Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I torture myself wondering
what if you got the wrong end of the stick?
what if this is one of those horrible misunderstandings -
one big mistake?

I recall the nausea that came
when reading those Thomas Hardy novels
as a teenager.
You have no idea now
how much I despise those stories -
I would go back and make him straighten out each horrid twist of fate
I would make him bring joy
where the bitter sadness
and overwhelming despair
sapped all hope

But I am wrong.
The horrid truth is
there can be no mistake.
You know I love you,
if you do not,
there is no language between us
anymore.

But there was language between us
We spoke our souls,
we nailed each other.
You caught me in your eyes,
I was your dream man.

You have turned away from me
with your beautiful brown eyes
wide open.
This is the true tragedy,
the true living nightmare.

Yet here is the hope:
there is no fate to twist.
There is a God,
My God,
the Lord of history
and He is behind all things.

Even in all this pain,
this terrible senseless pain,
there is yet sense,
and purpose,
and one day I shall return to this page
to praise His Name.

I want you who reads to know
I nearly killed myself because of this misery.
I want you who reads to know
I nearly died in the despair that followed in this heartbreak
and I am heartbroken now.
Burnt in the summer sun and surrounded by friends,
I am yet dead and hollow.
Life is a pain.

I want you to know this
because even here
where there is no hope
where there is no light
where only death seems to offer a break
from the pain of my loss
even here
there is hope.

I will not write again
until I can truly thank God
for taking her away
until I can say
I could not see the purpose at the time
but now I see how it had to be that way
Praise God.

Lord,
let it be soon.
In your mercy,
Let my return be close at hand.



Psalm 103

Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

How do you stay so silent
for so long?

the night comes in again
resets the sands of time
and when it rolls away
I will ache myself senseless
in the sunlight

but you,
how do you feel
about all these passing days?

I kissed you.
Remember when you walked away,
angry and in tears,
you walked off the Strand
down towards Temple station?
Remember that?
I walked away too,
shaking my head - how could you be so volatile?
how could you be so crazy?
And as I turned a corner on my way home
there you were,
against the wall
crying.
I thought you had already gone home,
but I looked at you in anger,
and I walked on.
Remember what you did?
Remember what you did next, my love?
You ran after me
and you threw your arms around me
and you buried your head in my chest
and you cried
and my heart broke
and I put my arms around you
and I kissed your head
and I wiped away your tears
and I told you everything would be okay
and I took you home
and I made you so happy that night
and in the morning
we laughed together
and planned out our entire life.

remember that?

I don't know if you even think of me.
You do not so much as breathe
in my direction
any more.

I hear rumours of rumours of rumours of you,
my wife,
my wife.

It has taken so long to make that secret known,
our marriage,
our secret marriage,
and the commitment that you made to me,
that I made to you,
that you so longed me to make.

Now when people hear
they will understand why I am stunned
that for no apparent reason
you turned around one day
and said
"There is no love!"

although you didn't say it,
did you?
You sent me a text.

And just days before,
you had told me of your dream -
you wanted to be sitting at a table
with me,
and the children we had made.

What kind of woman are you
that talks of children and undying
life-defining
true love one day,
and walks away forever
the very next?

I knew you more intimately than anyone.
I was the world's leading expert on you,
your mind,
your heart,
your spirit.
You confided all things,
gave all things,
became devoted to me.

And now,
you are gone.

I am still utterly devastated,
and still feel that I will never recover.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

every minute
the pain rises
so I turn
every minute
I turn my eyes
away
to other lies

she is the ache
that keeps me awake
my death is so drawn out
the soundtrack finished an age ago
but the film flickers on
let's leave this place
this scene is worn out

my eyes hunger
they settle on so much female flesh
so many pairs of breasts
so many eyes to meet
so many thighs to kiss
my hunger continues unabashed
as always before
but now I do not carry out a single conquest -
now I battle only with myself
to stifle the urge
to stifle the surging rush of unadulterated want,
desire driving me beyond borders
I did not wish to meet

I do not win so much these days
in fact
I fail
God have mercy
Lord, is there a limit to your grace?

I miss her Lord
and there is no word -
no word each single day
so I now live in eternity
and I die there too -
I am not living how you want me to
nor am I living how I used to
It turns out
perhaps there really is such a place as Limbo
and I am there
suspended in mid air
half crying
half swearing
half naked
half stripped and beaten
I am the man who began to fast
after he regretted everything eaten
but not until
he had tasted all things
all flesh
and all kinds of sensual and mouth-watering
death

Lord am I lost again
or this time
am I beyond?

Lord,
why do I hear nothing at all?

Why am I in such pain still?

Where is the rest,
the reason,
the relief?

Forgive me,
please rescue me
from myself.

Nothing is happening
It is happening
Again.

Friday, May 02, 2008

all the photographs
too much to bear
her, sitting there,
sitting pretty
waiting to hold me
and to laugh

the cruelty knows no bounds
the days go on and on and on
each day another nail in the coffin
each day a new depth of the same pain

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I met my good friend's ex
she said
"You look the same, you haven't changed"
I noted she had put on weight
A good sign

As we crossed the traffic by Angel station
the phone in my pocket rang
and answered itself
I put it to my ear
to hear my ex
"Hello" she said
"How are you?"
She told me she had met a man
She told me she was really happy
I explained that I was very pleased
but was crossing perilous traffic -
I would speak to her later

But she wouldn't go.
She said:
"So how are things with your girlfriend? What was her name again?"
My heart sank.
"That has all gone by the way, down the drain"
I explained.
Her heart sank
"Oh God I'm sorry"
she said,
and I tried to stop her from feeling guilty.
I was glad for her,
but Oh God
for the woman I thought I should be with,
for the woman I ache for each hour,
Oh God
I'm sorry
and sometimes I wish the traffic would grind me down into the dust

I returned home to tell my friend
his ex was moving city
he was upset
they do not talk
it cuts him up
They were together for seven years
may as well have been married
because now they are very much divorced

I went to bed early.
There was a time I never went to bed
never went to sleep
I'm glad that time has passed
but some things will not change:
I go to bed, but I do not sleep.
All I can do these days and nights
is pray.

I lay awake the whole night
thinking about her.
While meeting my friend's ex
she moved her shoulder in such a way
in such a way that it reminded me of my Love
that it stopped me mid-sentence
and I was broken again inside.
All night I though about this
the little mole to the left of her nose
which I would kiss
she would be shy and blush when I looked at her
her nose would wiggle
her shoulder would shrug in that familiar way
and I would find her too gorgeous for words
I ache.

When the morning light came
there was no release.
Just the dread of repeating these patterns again:
wake up,
cry out to God
combat suicide,
cry out to God,
go for a run,
shower,
fail to shut out a thousand memories of good times
a thousand questions of how and why
fail as I turn the water off
to find hope
beyond falling to my knees
and pleading once again
for the thousandth time
for mercy.

That dread is well founded
for this happens
as routine.
Then I sit and do not work
respond to emails and do not work
regard conflicts and write reports and do not work
and I crawl back to my room
and on my knees
in swelling tears
I say
"I cannot go on"
"Still, I cannot go on. Will you bring relief today?"
And I hope,
but still,
it has not come.


Oh My Lord
please bring the good
which surely must come -
please bring the good now.

Monday, April 28, 2008

I miss you too much
The love causes me pain that I find hard to bear
I don't know what to do with it: I cannot kill it,
And I cannot give it to you
It simply sits
rocking in my chest

Honey I have too many good memories of you
I made you laugh too much
I made you smile too much
You paid me too many compliments
You talked of love too much
For me to let go

I am the rope around your ankles
so it must be God
holding on the other end

Lord
please don't let it fail like this
please bring it back
please restore
or better,
rebuild,
and let me write here
words of celebration.
Let me write them here
soon.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Psalm 6

LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.

Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?

Turn, LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.

My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.

Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.

The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.

All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Pain
such pain
come back
I woke up this morning
and realised
it has been two months
since I last heard her voice -
this was the first thought to pass through my head
and it cut me up
before I'd even left my bed

Oh Lord I miss her
I love her more each day
I want to hold her
and kiss her
I want to look after her,
spoil her,
make her laugh,
make her happy,
I want to smell the sweet scent of her soft skin
the perfume caught on her neck
and make her nervous in anticipation of my touch
again
Lord I am sick of being in love like this -
please help me.


Please help.
I'm an author
and that's a fact

and I play guitar
play piano
but I'm just not avant garde
and I don't try so hard
the music stays put
in my heart

But I'm an author
and that's a fact
and I never used my real name
in a public place

Listen people
listen sister -
I love a woman so much
too much
it's killing me
really

the worst of it is
she loved me too,
so much,
for so many months,
and now she's gone
- and now she's gone
I haven't fallen out of love,
no - it's grows stronger

the worst of it is
since you've gone
I've fallen deeper in love
that's so cruel
that's too cruel

listen
I didn't find God
God found me
and he stopped me living for Her
and dying for Her
- I need to live for Him
because He died for me.

But He knows I'm broken hearted
and far from perfect
and he pulls me back
when I am on the edge
he cradles me
keeps me breathing.

I've never wanted anyone so much
never loved anyone or anything so much
- I could die, so easily die, for this
but he keeps me back
Oh God,
thank you for keeping me back
from the stupid senseless acts
of a man in love
of a desperate man
not used
to a broken heart

I don't know how to live without her
But I will
and God will lead me.

Monday, April 21, 2008

God
it is to you that I must aim my apology:
I am sorry
I know I should not have given up so easily,
should not have quit
I have found myself incapable of completing the task I was set
and time has run out.
I know I am going to have to take what is coming -
I always try to ride my luck -
find a way out -
but not this time.
This time
my way out
is to stop,
which is no way at all.

Between here
and my home -
the cold Waterloo street
and the night bus route -
please intervene to deliver me.

I know I don't deserve your grace -
you give,
and all I do is waste
but you are a God of mercy,
of love
and in this I still have faith.

I don't know where it all went so wrong -
I'm not sure why life became so tough
but I know you will lead me out
You will not leave me here,
victim
to myself.
I keep returning
to that point,
that over-worn point,
that final speech of Job,
that desperate reckless resignation of Jonah
"Throw me over the edge now,
I'd rather die than live this pain."

I am seated in my local heart,
a local time,
a local place,
a local pain,
and I make grand statements of everlasting forces
great gestures of eternity and life.

Yet knowing my limits
knowing this is all in hand
is not enough.

I need to believe this is for the good.
I need to be excited,
encouraged,
delighted that Your will is being done.

Instead I act as though it's all gone wrong
and if you turn it around,
well,
that's the only way this could ever make sense,
that's the only way there could ever be joy.


But what if this is it?

What if You are calling me to find my joy here,
in the storm,
in the dark,
in the pain?
Would you make that call my Lord?

I am confused
and all I know
is that I am broken
and in pain
and that I serve you poorly,
in fact,
I automatically attempt to serve myself.

I ask again
that you would have mercy,
help me,
forgive me,
give me hope and strengthen me.

I know that will sense will come in this,
I know you will give me reason to shout for joy.

You are my reason Lord,
let me see it.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

why is it
that all the dark truths of her
cruelty
unveil themselves to me,
yet she wanders on
blissful in her misery,
scornful and cutting,
as free as the foolish breeze?

I love her,
my God.
I love her
and do not want her to go on
like this.

Have mercy Lord,
please
have mercy.
what has been taken away
is enough
to cause me to reconsider
the terms of my engagement with the world

that's such a sad
that she meant that much
even though you,
My God,
are with me,
and if you are with me
what have I to fear?

I have much to lament
Lord Jesus,
you were a man of sorrows,
and I follow
imperfectly

I cannot see sense in it
nothing to moderate the pain
nothing to diminish the sting of cruelty
from which I suffer

Oh God
all of her love -
her stated love -
and all of her words about You -
were they all to bring about
such great pain?

Is this where all that joy
ends?

I do not brace myself like a man.

I sulk and kick my feet against the ground.

Just deliver me from these work-constraints
help me make the deadlines
I say,
then I'll suffer better under the unbearable pressure
of her loss,
I lie.

My God,
why has she forsaken me?

Father,
she is just another imperfect soul
I should not expect so much,
I should not expect love
though she spoke so much of so much love
and told me
"He changed me"
when she talked of You.

I don't really know what I'm doing here Lord
typing at the top of this central London office block
at 11.30pm
am I here to move the story along
am I letting you down
am I rebelling
or is this part of the plan?

My Lord
I lack the right heart
the right faith
the right trust -
I'm just broken,
no matter how many times
I know it will all be okay
one day

Forgive me for these terrible words Lord.
My father
my dependence is more than embarrassing
more than a shame.
In all things
I seem helpless.
Please come to my aid,
yet again.
I am failing, Lord,
failing yet again.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I wish your former self
were here to witness this
to see the horrors unleashed
by your future self

she was beautiful
she would deny the world
to keep this day from coming

You deny so much
but there is no court to try you
there is no law to catch you
you commit the perfect crime
and you are not condemned
now that you have built
a shame-free world

but I do not want you to stand trial
I do not want you found guilty
I do not want you punished
your pain
is my pain
my enemy is events
I can have no revenge
against time

no,
I want you to know what you have done
I want you to have a heart
and I want you to be sorry
so that you can return
to the human being you used to be
so that your heart will be softer
and those around you will see
you really are beautiful

I never expect you to love me again,
but I have hope
your cruelty and self-deception
will relent.
I still love you, honey,
for all that you have done to me.

I wish your former self
were here to witness this
to see the sadness you unleashed
and all the promises you broke
I wish your former self were here
to give me hope

But I do not need the past
or the future
to know there is one, great hope
that cannot be dampened by my hopelessness
or your cruelty and lack of love.
God holds the reigns in his hands
and he will steer everything to
good.
Lord
life is making me sick

the sadness that she has left in my heart
the tears she has left in my eyes
they halt me,
stop me dead,
and I don't know if I can carry on,
honestly

Lord
I never knew love before
not really
and now that it has been removed
I don't know how to carry on,
not really.
Everything looks so much paler now,
everything looks so pale
and feels so cold to touch.

I do not want my love to be taken away by time
I do not want my memories to disappear into silhouetted sunsets
Oh God
do not let my recent history of love
succumb to the obliterating holocaust

I was so good at romance
so good at playing the cards
my kiss was expertly applied
my words and touch struck well and heavy
but now
I am a shadow of the tomb
of the man I used to be
I became a child
again

I know I could have my spark back
I know I could make them all smile and laugh
I know I could be clever
and win more awards
I know I could win fair ladies with the faintest of my hearts
But I do not want to,
I have no desire
my hunger for life
and my will to go on
drain from me
with each passing minute of her absence

Oh my Lord God
it feels like
she has killed me

After all the pain I've come through
is it really her
that brings me down?
Truly I've been humbled
it was the sparrow
that broke my wings

My phone rang
an hour ago
I thought it could be her
my heart jumped
and then sank
when it said
"withheld"

So much is withheld from me Lord
her love,
my future,
her love,
her sweet young love
that still lies warm within me
but now stings to touch

Oh God
once again I hit the pit
stumble to my knees
and wonder
why go on?
why live without her?
and once again
I know these are false questions
that I do not really mean
for she is not my reason for breathing:
you are, Lord
and You are my salvation

Oh God
sorry that I fall again
as I do every hour
every day
sorry that every time you put me back together
I fall apart
sorry that I find it so hard to hope in a world
in which she does not love me

it's such a strange world
it makes no sense to me


My God who would have thought I could even cry?
never mind cry so many tears.
I almost wish I could go back
to the nightclubs and the hard heart and the naked flesh and cheap thrills
but no,
I will never regret where I have ended up,
I rejoice in where you have brought me.

For even here,
in the dark of my utter desolation,
in the hour where I feel life dripping away needlessly,
warmth draining from me,
I see the glory of your love
the power of your hand

I know one day all will be revealed
I know you will disclose
what for so long has been concealed
I know you will lead me out of this,
you take the knife from my hand
and you pass me bread -
come eat
you say
and we are companions,
you and I,
Almighty Creator,
Lord God.

I am so far below you,
so far,
but in your love and mercy,
you make me your son,
your friend,
and though I cannot see why -
you love me.

Thank you God
for keeping me going
when the tears just roll so foolishly,
so recklessly
and I want to murder
thank you Lord
for your truly, truly amazing
grace,
when all is lost and forsaken
you are there
Delivering your lost souls.


Oh God
how I wish I could be lifted up with you now
when life becomes like this
if she is never to hold my hand before you
never to look at me in love
put her arms around me with affection
how I wish I could be spared the pain
of this heartbreak
but my God,
not my will,
but your will be done.

I know that you work out what is best
even when I cannot see it.
I know that I am suffering
and there is no point in denying it
but have you not suffered?
Sometimes
needs must.

Forgive me for the broken words
save me from the darkness
make me sing again
in Love.

Friday, April 18, 2008

father
why is it
that everywhere I look
I see Indian eyes
where ever I walk
I hear Indian voices
singing sweetly
like a knife slicing my flesh
as welcome as a kick in the teeth?

my Lord
why is it
that whenever I begin my work
I soon wander to thoughts of her
whenever I check my emails
I see the photographs she sent me
her words of love
her little kisses
and I want to go back?

Each time this happens
I have to go through the whole process of grief again;
the shock at how she has cut me off
and cut me up
My fall from her grace
was it also
My fall from your grace?

These questions arise each time.
And how could she do this?
How can she be this other person,
how can she sleep?
How can she live with herself?
How can any of this even really be?

This isn't really happening
My dumb dumb heart mouths in the quiet morning hours.
Then I awake to the awful horror
The I awake to the real mourning
The scattered bodies and limbs of my hopes and love
I live in the site of a massacre
where my realities
where all my strengths and smiles and breaths and words and arms and joys
were bludgeoned in their sleep.

I will never sleep again,
oh
I will never sleep again
by your Grace my Lord God.

Father,
help me back up again I pray.
Please help me to love,
to forgive,
keep the anger down
and the bitterness away.
I yet love her,
and I will love her complete.

My Lord,
rescue me.
My God understands the cry of dereliction
My God is patient when I shout at him in anger
My God loves me when I care nothing for him
He knows my pain,
He knows how it feels to cry out in despair, when all seems hopeless.
My God knows the tearing of a broken heart
My God knows I am only human,
Knows I am up and down,
Knows I am inconsistent,
Knows I am fragile and impatient,
He knows every single aching thought
And every feeling in my heart,
Yet he loves me
Completely
and he always
Helps me.

My God
is God.
I'm amazed Lord, how brutal she has been
How cruel and unfeeling
her heart hardened,
so cold now that I do not recognise her
I am amazed Lord
that I still love her -
that each day,
I love her more.

Was it not in this very room
that she put her arms around me and declared
"I have never been so happy"?

Was it not between these very walls
that she talked of children, of names, honeymoons
and old age?

Was it not in this very room that she pleaded with me
"Never cut me off - always be my friend. I could never bear it if you fell out of love with me, if you stopped talking to me. No matter what, be my friend"?

Oh Lord,
how strange it seems then
to be in this very room
knowing how she cut me off, how she treats me as a stranger, how she has no love for me no more.
I have been cut out like a cancer,
though once I was her joy.


I am amazed Lord
how each day
I love her more
though there is no hope -
she does not love me,
she makes me a stranger,
she intends never to see me again.

I amazed each day my God,
that I still yet hope.
My heart will not admit defeat
my spirit will not lie down in despair.

Could it really be that I will hold her again?
That I will kiss her again?
That she will return,
her heart made flesh,
my tears no longer bitter?

Surely not.

And yet,
my heart hopes relentlessly.
And Lord,
I cannot help but hope in you,
and your mercy
and your grace
and your power
and your compassion,
for it surrounds me -
you deliver me and you protect me.

In your hands I see your power
and I am more than comforted -
I dare to hope,
I boldly dream.

Oh Lord, do not let me hope for that which will not be -
do not let me dream such dreams that break my heart anew.

But if there is reason to hope,
please bring the victory soon my God.

But most of all,
my Father,
most of all,
let me never stray from you.
Let me never lose sight of you
and your love.
Let me hold onto you
as you hold on to me.
Whether I see her again,
or never see her again,
whether she is forever absence,
or returns to torture me some more,
let me always cry out in pain to you.
and let me always end in praise to you,
for you are truly Lord of all,
and you do not abandon me.

Jesus,
I hunger after you,
I long to know you
and to know your love.
I long for you to take her hand again
and lead her back to your light,
your life,
your warmth.
I pray in my heart
even in spite of myself
that you would lead us both together,
back together,
but not my will,
but Your will
be done.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Father
sometimes during the day
I still lose the will to carry on
All the air escapes my chest
and I fear that I won't have the strength
to draw the next breath

Oh but Lord
I know I must
I know this pain, which had torn so much
will not last forever
and I know that this night
will not last forever
and I know that my mind will not always
torture me with memories
so freshly formed

sooner or later, my Lord,
things will get a little easier

My Father,
until then I ask you for strength
to keep me going,
to keep my head up

Let me look to you and find my strength renewed
whenever I see her pretty eyes
or hear her gentle voice
whenever I smell her in the subway
or pass her in the night
let me look to you
and find relief,
find delight

Oh God
the pain is so often just too much
and even with all these people around me
I can feel so alone
without her.
When these times come
remind me of your grace
remind me of your love
let me know that you are always beside me
you are a shield around me,
and that even all this pain and suffering
will be brought to so much
good


I pray for her
that you will be with her
and heal whatever wounds have made her heart so hard
give your warmth to her cold
give her your honest word
and your perfect love
show her your amazing mercy
show her what she has done
and what you have done
show her your perfect love.

May she cry tears of joy
may she delight in You
For if I love her this much
How much greater do you
She is the apple of our eyes
She is so pleasing in my sight
and Lord I know she has done wrong
and caused such pain
but lead her gently Lord I pray
and show her mercy swiftly.

I cannot lie,
I would ask that you would lead her back to me,
but I know this is a poor hope
and a sad hope,
but I cannot try to hide my heart from you -
I ache to hold her once again,
but not my will Lord,
but your will
be done

My God,
whatever may come
be with me
and keep my eyes wide open
How great you are, Lord,
how great you are -
I will never have the words,
but may I never tire of trying
She bought me an Indian shirt

She woke up beside me

She brought me to her church

She sang beside me

She bought me a token of her love on Valentines Day

She cried in my arms

She brought me to her parents house

She prayed for me

She bought me her Bollywood music and left her earrings on the bedside table

She lied naked before me

She brought me to my knees, to my wits end

I thought about killing myself

She lied to me

She bought my heart at such a cost and discarded it so cheaply

I prayed for her

I went to the end of the line to see her home safely every single night

She cut me

I wiped her tears and fought her many battles

I spent all my strength on her joy

She cut me

I sang for her

And I nearly died for her

But no more,
No more.

There will be no more wasted love,
no more wasted sacrafice.

I love her
and will not stop
But I have not put all my hope
in her

it is madness
to expect all joy
from one human
soul

To God I return
who in Grace
and such a strange way
brought me to him
through her strange and cruel delivery
who in his Love
picked me up
when I would choose to die
who picked me up
when I thought I had already died

She bought me an Indian shirt.

He bought me life.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."


Isaiah 40: 25-31
I am just waiting for my brother
to leave the flat
then I will have space and time
to myself
to fall apart

I will fall apart before you
again

Will you meet me this time?

This time,
will you pick up the pieces
and put me back together in such a way
that I will not fall apart again?

Oh God,
My God,
remember me as you remembered Hannah,
remember me as you remembered Hezekiah.

I am not as faithful,
nor so trusting,
but I seek you just the same,
and I am broken just the same.

God,
you see all,
know all,
please have mercy
and come.
I just want to go back
I don't want to wake up again
with the world like this

God
I don't want to live
no more
not like this

I don't want to die
I want to live
a life less painful

no word from her
no word from you
I ache here and wonder,
what am I to do?

You know that I cannot go on anymore.

I keep thinking about the bridge,
but what's the point in jumping?
It goes nowhere,
nowhere.

Neither living nor dying
helpless against this torture
I am at once angry and weak
furious and frightened

I am so broken,
but is there any point any more
to endless writing this here
or telling you in tearful prayer
when nothing changes?

Thing's just get worse.

She was the most beautiful and amazing thing in my whole life
I couldn't believe how lucky I was,
how blessed.
Now she turns to my greatest pain,
each day I wake up sick,
wishing I had not woken up,
wishing for release.

God,
do not abandon me
do not forget me
do not leave me like this
please,
I beg you.
honey
why?

return.

return,
all is forgiven.
How?

What's the alternative.

What do I do?

Is this living?

What is on the other side
that I cannot see
or hear?

What is it that gives hope?

What is it that makes all this pain and brokenness worth it?

I don't know how to ask any more
I don't know how to lift my eyes to you
to plead
to weep

I have wept
I have begged
I have poured out my heart
over
and over
and over
again

The music plays
to stop me from wanting to die

The computer is on
to distract me from the pain

but no relief
no release
and how is it
that hope abounds
even here
in this hour which has lasted
for two months?

Yet there is hope
and there is relief
and you do save
and you do lift up
and you are full of compassion
and you are full of mercy
and you are full of grace

how is it
that this has happened
and is still happening?
how am I to survive
until the day I can look back
and praise you for your
mercy?

these words surely add nothing
to the flood of words and tears
poured out to you every hour
every day
right here
so where do I turn now?
where will my relief come from?

Or should I just die?

No,
never,
never Lord,
and you are not a God of pain
of suffering -
you suffered pain
that I would not have to,
you died in supreme love
and returned to life
in supreme love,
such power,
the power to change lives and undo them.

Oh God,
it is because I know about your power
and your grace
and your mercy
and your enduring love
that I am floored, here,
that I am decimated -
because I know you can wipe away these tears,
you can change this night to day in a word
you can deliver me from tears of pain
to tears of joy,
and yet,
each day,
I wake up with the same horror
and the same misery
and the same aching harrow
and I fall to my knees before you
and pour out my heart
and cry
and break
and call out for some relief
but still,
it goes on.

Have you turned away from me?
No,
you do not turn away from those who seek you.
Do you want me to suffer?
No,
your love is greater than any love I can imagine,
your mercy and compassion beyond comprehension.
Are you powerless to stop this?
No,
you created all things, and to you, all things will answer.
What then,
where then,
am I left?

Confused,
broken,
alone.

Or are you with me,
My Lord?

Surely you are beside me even now
as I type,
surely you are within me
and over me,
as I weep and moan before you.

Oh God
I am not working as I should be
I abandon my duties
and I cannot keep up the pretence before my brother any longer
must I fall apart publicly now also?
must I go even further down
than rock bottom?

Lord
since you came into my life
I have known the greatest pain
and the greatest loss
of all my days.
Joy turned to misery
hope to despair,
all things soured,
and now a day of blue skies and sunshine
means nothing to me.
Forgive me,
Father,
because I have failed to trust you,
because my faith is so weak,
because I am so vulnerable
and human.

But I know you forgive me Lord,
and I know you went through much greater suffering
and I know you will deliver me,
even now,
when I hate each word I type,
when I am scared to finish these words
because I fear I will return to the familiar and deafening
silence
in which I do not hear you reply.

Oh God
I cannot deny
though my life itself seems wrecked
you are yet real,
you are yet there
you are yet good and loving.
Though everything would seem so wrong
I cannot deny that you will bring good.
Though I hate my days
though I cannot bear to go on
I know you will bring good
You will not abandon me
You will not leave me to suffer for long
You will not ask me to die
though my heart fails
and my faith is weak
you will meet me on the water
stretch out your hand
and catch me
Just as you have done
so many times
My God.
No more.

No more
too much.
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

Monday, April 14, 2008

come pick me up
I think I'll be sitting in the shower
slumped against the wall
sobbing like a
child

come pick me up

come pick me up
I think I'll be on my knees
head down
fists clenched
meaning every word
for the very
last time

come pick me up

But you can go on
and you will go on

But I do not wish to go on
I do not wish to go on
no more
no more
I wish for no more of this.
Give me change,
give me her voice
her touch,
or break me
or change me
get me out of here.

Get me out of here.

Come pick me up.
My Lord
My God
I am sorry to have fallen this low
but here I am

What more can I ask you?
What more can I say?
I have asked you most hours
every day.
I have begged you,
I have pleaded with you,
and you read my heart
and you know each word
before I know
what I will say.

Then here it is,
My amazing Lord,
here it is:
please return her to me
or else
take me away
or else
take the love away.

Father,
I cannot bear to love her
if I cannot show her my love.
Please have mercy
though I know I do not deserve it.

If there is mercy,
it is Your mercy.
If there is love,
it is Your love.
If there is grace,
undeserved in its delivery,
it is Your grace.

Oh my Father,
if I am your son,
please come to me and pick me up.

I am truly broken
and desperate
and I do not want to go on.
I do not want to go on.

My Father,
please have mercy,
I do not want to go on.

I do not want to go on,
not without your help,
a change,
oh if I could have her -
or else,
to be a different person
with another heart.

My God,
what more can I say?

You are the great God of mercy,
the source of compassion.
If you do not have mercy on me,
if you do not answer my prayer,
then I have no hope
then truly despair is my home
the murky depths my only comfort.

I await your answer
in wearied hope -
yet hope it is , my Lord.

Forgive me for my broken faith
but I do know you can help me
I know you can come now
and heal this pain.

Lord, if you are willing,
you can heal me.

Please come,
it is not too late.
It's hard for you to know
who I am
who I appear to be
from these words
in fact,
you won't catch a thing

see,
to others I am quite a success
quite a breath of fresh air -
a humour,
a wit,
a man with everything together -
the world at his feet.

for some reason
I never spill these things
not that I try to keep them in,
it just never feels right
to start talking about myself
when people ask how I am
I say I'm fine
or
I can't complain

of course I do,
right here,
and in my head,
and to God,
every day.

My brother asked me to my face
and I took a risk
and told him.

He was shocked.
Nobody knows about the devastation
that goes on secretly
in my whole heart.

See the truth is
despite my apparent successes
and my good life,
I am a very broken man
for what she has done -
this alone
surprises.

I am no oil painting
no great ladies man
yet somehow
I was a ladies man
and I always landed on my feet
I defied many logics
to be very well served
in the ways man love to live.

So for him
to see me broken
over her -
he could not quite believe it.

To me
and to you
it is quite believable
isn't it.

The thing is,
it makes no difference
telling him.
It seems to help a little
writing it here -
sometimes when it hurts too much
I cannot write.
To write it makes me want to die.
But when I can write it,
I feel at least my words will be frozen
somewhere
in a time and place
as testament to my true
pain.

Because you see,
I get so little time sometimes -
a friend calls,
a crisis calls,
Africa calls,
the Middle East calls,
my father calls,
my stomach calls,
nature calls,
the electricity board calls,
the night owl calls -
and I have to put my heart aside,
and the words are lost.

But my heart will not be put aside
this time.

I am so very much broken this time.

I don't want to accept life without her.
I don't feel like I can.
I want to live,
I want to live with her.

Why care so much about a person?
Why put so much into them?
It beats me,
I never have before.
I always exaggerated,
but now it's real
as if to punish me.
No matter how undeserving she is of my love,
no matter how wasted it may be,
I yet love her more fiercely
day by day.

Can you imagine being loved like that?
By someone you loved?

That was also how she once loved me,
according to her word and deed.

So you see, part of my problem is not simply loss,
but utter, utter,
UTTER CONFUSION.

But clarity would not ease the pain.

I just want her.

I just want her.

I have to go now
and finish off a report on the conflict in Darfur,
otherwise the head of a British
intelligence service
will have my guts for garters.
That's the strange reality
of my strange life.
Everybody has feelings,
and those with a good imagination,
who have those imaginative jobs,
they feel too much,
far too much.

And I hate them.

I do not hate them.

I cannot hate myself,
just as I cannot hate her.

Oh God,
if you do not save me from this,
will I not die?
Will I not be a shell of the man I was
before you found me?

Even in my ignorance,
before you came,
I was a greater man than this.
I had control,
I was the man
they think they now
see.

But no,
I did not have control.
I was not the man they think they now see.
Nor should I have been.
For all joy is deception
and all control a lie
which is not based on you,
my Lord,
My God.

So even now,
with this girl whom I would die for,
would die for in the sparkling of her big brown eyes -
I say in confidence my God
that having her
without you
would be poverty
but having you
my LORD my God
with nothing else
is to be so very
very
rich.

Not that I feel it at all
not that I speak it
or live it.

Forgive me in my weakness
and rescue me.
It's not that I don't want to live
It's that I don't want to live without her

It's not that I cannot live without her
Because I do live without her.
This is the very definition of my pain.
I never used to cry
about anything

I was a real man
perhaps a crippled man

When my mother died
when I was 21
I could not cry.

Now each day
I have to fight to hold back the tears
and then the shame,
because I did not cry like this
when my own mother died.


But I do cry,
nonetheless,
and I am barely recognisable
inwardly
to the person I once was.

I didn't know it was possible
to feel this way about a woman
to miss her this much
to want her this much
not for me.
It feels like need .
This is no good.

I cannot concentrate on the complex developments
in Darfur
or the rapes
and the massacres
and the burning huts.

All I see is my own small pain
which is to me
a universe made of sea
a great gulf filled with stretched tears
in which I drown
without drowning
and am tossed around

I miss her so bad
I grow weary of beating my chest.
What does it achieve?

I miss her so bad
I do not scream,
no,
I do not even sing.
Where could it get me?

I could take so many women
and stand them in her place
I could choose another
with a softer heart
a prettier face
but it would not do;
it must be her.

I ache
and I ache
and I hate myself for aching

I despise my own repetition
the sound of my own desperation
I wish it were not so cliched
but it remains
and I am broken

I am broken
I am desperate
but still I live
I will live on
so sadly
without her
till one day no doubt
I tell myself I am better off without
but Lord,
Good LORD,
I cannot believe that,
not now.

It was yesterday that I held her
and touched her lips
It was yesterday that we laughed together
and I carried her down the corridor
and sat her by the kitchen sink
and made her smile
and made her drinks
and acted all the while
as though life wasn't open-ended
as though love wasn't fragile
as though she would be there tomorrow
as she had pledged
wearing the perfect wedding dress
she told me she had dreamed.


My LORD,
My God,
when will I feel better
about losing my only Love
about the cruelty of retracted touch?
My LORD,
My God,
when will I be a man again
and suck it up?

My LORD,
My God,
I do not mean to complain
but I feel more pain
than I can bear.
I need rescue
but I would much prefer
a miracle:

to see her once again,
in this room,
working at the desk,
humming to herself as she dreams
about the perfect wedding dress
The worst thing

is waking up
and remembering
what I've lost

who I've lost

The worst thing

is those moments of forgetting -
when they end,
I am seized by terror
and nausea -
I wish to scream
and vomit.

I am destroyed each day
because my head refuses to remember
and my heart refuses to forget

You,
I don't know what you did
I don't know why you did it
I don't know how you go about your day
I don't know how you cope
I don't know why it's not a question of coping for you
I don't know you
and I know you better than you know yourself
so you see,
the impossible contradictions you have set up in my heart
break it
over and over
again

The greatest is this:
that you loved me
and that you stopped.

I cannot stop loving you
and being hurt.

I cry out to God
He is my refuge.

One day
I will emerge smiling.
she will not

but
I am waiting to be restored
to the jack the lad
the cheeky laugh
the smiling love
the fine old blood
that I once was
so very recently

I am waiting for her return

she will not

but
I am not counting down
I am counting up
the minutes and hours
and days and weeks
now months
from when I last held her in my arms
kissed her
when she told me she wanted me with all her heart
when everything made so much more sense
Oh God
I am still waiting for her call

She will not

I am counting up the days
and I am waiting for a text

She will not

I am counting up the pains
and I am waiting for her mouth to say:
I made a mistake

She will not

I am counting up the many ways
this could come good
she could say:
I love you
she could realise
she could revise
we could revitalise

She will not

I am confronting every day
the truth that undermines my will to live:
She will not

I am thankful to God
for keeping me
I seek Him
and He answers
I ask for his mercy and his guidance
I ask him to sustain me
until the day I can look at these drab words and say
It was for the best
Thank God.
I ask him to sustain me

He will

He does.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Not sure if I mentioned this
but I love her with all of my heart
and more of my heart -
invisible heart -
a virtual extension of my heart which seems to go on expanding
relentlessly

it feels as though I will explode in a frenzy of aching
and longing
and love and heart-break

what is so monumentally disappointing
is that I do not

no,
I live and breath,
tick tock tick tock,
running like a stubborn clock
going about my business

The world still turns
my heart still yearns
and there is nothing I can do



But God,
God can halt time itself.
blessed beyond all deserved
I am surrounded by amazing friends
intelligent and beautiful
witty and reliable
how I ended up with this I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
my brothers surround me
my brothers know me
and we will not let each other fall
how I ended up with such a family
I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
my work is fascinating
my work is well regarded
great minds of renown
listen intently
how I ended up with this I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
I live in a thriving city
I live in a perfect flat
the young and fast surround me
how I ended up with this I do not know
blessed beyond all deserved
I have been loved by pretty women
I have been touched by loving hands
beauty has been kind to me
how on earth I ended up with this I do not know

and shouldn't I
with all this
just shut up
instead of moaning?
I,
who know so many wars
inside and out
who measure the demise of men and women
who monitor great suffering -
who came from Bradford's poorest streets
who took all lessons in the park
playing football
playing drink
shouldn't I be full of joy?

It is appalling that
I grieve each day
and mourn
and moan
and cannot
bear to breathe
and breathe again

It counts for little in my counting
that I am given more than enough
because I love her
I love her
I miss her
I do not sleep
I ache
My prayers are filled with longing
great yearning
horrible remorse
sickening regret
I wish this was another place
I wish this was another time
I wish I could go back

I want to go back
I've had enough
this mourning
this loss
this being in love -
it is too much

Oh Lord I wish I could go back
for that whole year
when I would hold her
look into those soft brown eyes
when I would kiss her
and feel at peace
when she would laugh
when she would sigh
in great contentment
in ecstasy
when all she seemed to want
was me

That time that lasted for an age
seems so unreal
now

Did it happen
that the sweet woman
who cut me off
when I was in my prime -
did it happen
that she loved me
so fiercely
she once said
she thought she'd die?


Oh Lord
I am blessed beyond all deserved
and yet
I count no blessings
I do not deserve such comforts
I do not deserve such love

All I long for
every aching hour
Is her
Her
Her
Her


Please forgive me.

Friday, April 11, 2008

How I loved her

and now,
beyond all reason
How I love her

Every day I worry for you
Every day I pray for you
Be safe
Be well

I long to hold you
To be beside you as you take each step

In my heart
I still do


Two nights ago I woke up
at the point of my dream
where I kissed you
and declared
"This is my very reason for living"
The point of my dream
was to show
that there is only one reason for living

This morning
after dreaming I was in your living room
where you spoke cruelly
and acted harshly
I awoke broken hearted
once again

Tonight I pray for no more dreams
it is too much sometimes
for me

because how I loved you
and how I love you
as reason falls to sleep
I do wonder
if this will be it
if things will change for the better
or for the worse
or just change


I do wonder
about her
constantly

It cannot be denied that I am still in love
I wonder if one day
this will be seen as a great shame.

I do wonder
what God knows
what God sees
further down the line
I do wonder
why it all went wrong
why it all went weird
and if I'll ever
have peace of mind

I do wonder about her
constantly
and it cannot be denied

I am in still love
and this may well be a shame

But for all the pain
and for all I do not know
I do know that God
is looking after me
that he never abandoned me
and that some day,
one day,
This pain will be no more

I do know
that if it could have been another way
a better way
that way it would have been

The sun shines
above the storm
My God
who loves me unconditionally
leads me through

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Too much

Not enough

Give me a word this night

Break me out
of the unbearable
It is not that I do not want to live
but that I feel full of death

It is not that my life is over
but that my death begins


In the sunshine and blue sky and red wine
I could have killed so much

The next day,
in the white cold of April's snow
I became numb to the touch

For a while
I was spared the sting
of certain death

I cannot couch these days in other terms
life and death
light and dark
are the only partners
of love and fear
the only ones who come to me
and speak in tongues I understand

her skin was brown
her eyes so dark
her hair was black
when I kissed her
goosebumps rose upon her neck

my skin was cream
my eyes were light
my hair was blonde
when she kissed me
I knew I could not live without her kiss

Funny how she killed you son
Your greatest love
the only one
to leave,
the only one
you loved
the only one to leave
the one who spoke of marriage
the one who spoke of sons
funny how she killed you lad,
funny
and so sad.


truth is
I am fighting against things which cannot move
the orbit of a stubborn moon
the union of sun and light
I defy the well worn march
of a war torn tide

I spread ivory wings
and hope to fly

In all this,
God is my only hope.

Oh Lord,
do not let me come to you
as my crutch.

Oh Lord
do not let me treat you
As some divine shop keeper
who will sell me everything I want
at the cost of your
Son

Humble me,
love me,
protect me.

When the pain comes
and I do not want to go on
and I feel there is no point to jumping from the bridge
because I am already drowning
take that pain,
my Lord,
and teach me,
refine me,
redeem me,
That I will emerge smiling
Singing with all my heart
About light, about love, about life,
The unfathomable dimensions of
Your perfect Grace.
break
break
break
break
break

give me more than a break

please give me more

this fire burns
but it will neither consume
or be consumed
it does not burn up
it does not burn out

what more?

what more words are chosen
by the great HEAD
to describe the GREAT PAIN
what more can be said?

Nothing can be added to the fire
and nothing can be taken away

to neither live or die
what is this?
Is this punishment
is this despair
is this the ultimate self-loving
pity?

I walk
but I do not travel
I eat
but my appetite remains
I scream in silence
I bellow in great bouts of quiet
I am the breaking still unbroken bone

I am a still photograph of
a beautiful yet wearisome train crash

we do not know if it has happened
or is about to happen

we do know that we do not know
and that it seems
we will never know

But I,
I know some truths
to fully break the sickly deception
of every written word
of every nail mark

I know that God abounds
in more than gaps and spaces
My Lord,
you do not forsake those who seek you
Your love is complete
and nothing can keep me away from it.

No despair
no still photograph
no silent scream
no sense of loss
or fierce flame
can stand against you
and your all conquering
Grace

Once again I remember
who saves.

Lord,
I look to you in hope

Come quick,
that I can wipe away
the stains I am wearing
like sack cloth and ashes

Come quick
My God

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

From promise to pain
in just ten days

18 February
"I want to have family meals with all our kids sitting round the table."

28 February
"My feelings have changed, it's for the best. Tk cre."

And with that
she disappeared
leaving a very bewildered
repentant young stud
shattered

Oh Lord,
I have searched for meaning in the meaningless
For rationale in the irrational
I have looked for love in the loveless
and for consolation in the misery
Please my God,
Help me to stop.

I do not believe
I shall ever find it.
I do not believe
This will ever make sense.

To look at the two lives she lived with me
Is to split my heart in two

Father,
I need a break
that does not start
in the over-saturated tissue
of my over-loving heart.
three pictures
you and I
smiling in a bar
in one,
you are kissing me,
and the caption speaks of your great undying love
a text
"I love you"
a text
"I couldn't live without you"
a text
"Can I see you today? I have to!"
the mantelpiece
the Valentines card
"I know I said we shouldn't do this,
but I couldn't resist,
because I love you so much."

Six days later
so many months of holding you crying in my arms
holding you naked in my arms
holding you smiling in my arms
as you spoke of your love
of your luck
how amazing I was
six days later
you cut all cords

You withdrew before I woke
searches were made
but you were not found
in the early morning light
I mourned your loss
but you were not taken from me
you took,
then you became another.

I awoke to desolate silence.

How dare you question my love
she said
How dare you
her anger was not her anger
her words were not her words
her callous fingers were not her gentle fingers
I did not recognise her face

six days later
I no longer love you
she did not care to mention her anger
when questioned about her love
once again,
a cruel contradiction,
a strange and unkind spirit
crushing the beautiful woman
who had begged me to be her man
forever,
and ever,
who asked to make me breakfast in the morning
forever,
and ever,
who placed her pain in losing me
and her greatest joy in having me.
That woman,
that woman
has gone.

messages deleted
All 452
Each word of longing
each little kiss
so true at birth
but turned to lies
when killed so
expertly

I took the photographs
and consigned them to history

I threw away your Valentines rose
which began to rot in its bottle

But what I could not do
and what I cannot do
is stop being in love with you


many believe she is schizophrenic
they do not know any other way to explain such duplicitous human behaviour
this is unfair, my love
unfair against the woman you were -
I will not have a word spoken against her.


But surely you are the same woman
who first dreamt of my kiss
and now annihilates my lips
yet I,
your closest friend
who knows you better than your own flesh
am hard pressed to deny
the coldness
and cruelty
of your own misguided self-preservation

when did you become the ogre?
what happened, honey,
to turn you like this?

You rendered me powerless to stop this.
I have never been powerless before a woman.
Now how can I have pride?
It is a good thing, through your destruction,
That I have learnt the pain of losing love
A pain I have inflicted
though less heartlessly


Perhaps one day
you and I will see your deeds
in a new light
and you will offer explanation
for your multiple assassinations
which I and others
can understand

Then again,
perhaps not.

In the meantime,
I fight off your accusers,
who on my behalf
wish to punish you
wish to slander you
want you to pay for what you did.

In the meantime,
you couldn't care less,
and I know this.

I still love you,
I love you so much,
and it was never the case
that you had to deserve it.

God bless you.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-

while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

"Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,

when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,

when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,

when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?

"Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,

that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?

The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.

The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?

Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?

Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

"What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?

Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,

which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?

What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,

to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,

to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?

Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?

From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?

Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons
or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

"Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?

Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

Who endowed the heart with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind?

Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

"Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions

when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?

Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?

Do you count the months till they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?

They crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.

Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return.

"Who let the wild donkey go free?
Who untied his ropes?

I gave him the wasteland as his home,
the salt flats as his habitat.

He laughs at the commotion in the town;
he does not hear a driver's shout.

He ranges the hills for his pasture
and searches for any green thing.

"Will the wild ox consent to serve you?
Will he stay by your manger at night?

Can you hold him to the furrow with a harness?
Will he till the valleys behind you?

Will you rely on him for his great strength?
Will you leave your heavy work to him?

Can you trust him to bring in your grain
and gather it to your threshing floor?

"The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,
but they cannot compare with the pinions and feathers of the stork.

She lays her eggs on the ground
and lets them warm in the sand,

unmindful that a foot may crush them,
that some wild animal may trample them.

She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;
she cares not that her labor was in vain,

for God did not endow her with wisdom
or give her a share of good sense.

Yet when she spreads her feathers to run,
she laughs at horse and rider.

"Do you give the horse his strength
or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?

Do you make him leap like a locust,
striking terror with his proud snorting?

He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength,
and charges into the fray.

He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
he does not shy away from the sword.

The quiver rattles against his side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.

In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground;
he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.

At the blast of the trumpet he snorts, 'Aha!'
He catches the scent of battle from afar,
the shout of commanders and the battle cry.

"Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom
and spread his wings toward the south?

Does the eagle soar at your command
and build his nest on high?

He dwells on a cliff and stays there at night;
a rocky crag is his stronghold.

From there he seeks out his food;
his eyes detect it from afar.

His young ones feast on blood,
and where the slain are, there is he."

The LORD said to Job:

"Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!"

Then Job answered the LORD :

"I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.

I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more."

Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:

"Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

"Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?

Do you have an arm like God's,
and can your voice thunder like his?

Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.

Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at every proud man and bring him low,

look at every proud man and humble him,
crush the wicked where they stand.

Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.

Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

"Look at the behemoth,
which I made along with you
and which feeds on grass like an ox.

What strength he has in his loins,
what power in the muscles of his belly!

His tail sways like a cedar;
the sinews of his thighs are close-knit.

His bones are tubes of bronze,
his limbs like rods of iron.

He ranks first among the works of God,
yet his Maker can approach him with his sword.

The hills bring him their produce,
and all the wild animals play nearby.

Under the lotus plants he lies,
hidden among the reeds in the marsh.

The lotuses conceal him in their shadow;
the poplars by the stream surround him.

When the river rages, he is not alarmed;
he is secure, though the Jordan should surge against his mouth.

Can anyone capture him by the eyes,
or trap him and pierce his nose?

"Can you pull in the leviathan with a fishhook
or tie down his tongue with a rope?

Can you put a cord through his nose
or pierce his jaw with a hook?

Will he keep begging you for mercy?
Will he speak to you with gentle words?

Will he make an agreement with you
for you to take him as your slave for life?

Can you make a pet of him like a bird
or put him on a leash for your girls?

Will traders barter for him?
Will they divide him up among the merchants?

Can you fill his hide with harpoons
or his head with fishing spears?

If you lay a hand on him,
you will remember the struggle and never do it again!

Any hope of subduing him is false;
the mere sight of him is overpowering.

No one is fierce enough to rouse him.
Who then is able to stand against me?

Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything under heaven belongs to me.

"I will not fail to speak of his limbs,
his strength and his graceful form.

Who can strip off his outer coat?
Who would approach him with a bridle?

Who dares open the doors of his mouth,
ringed about with his fearsome teeth?

His back has rows of shields
tightly sealed together;

each is so close to the next
that no air can pass between.

They are joined fast to one another;
they cling together and cannot be parted.

His snorting throws out flashes of light;
his eyes are like the rays of dawn.

Firebrands stream from his mouth;
sparks of fire shoot out.

Smoke pours from his nostrils
as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.

His breath sets coals ablaze,
and flames dart from his mouth.

Strength resides in his neck;
dismay goes before him.

The folds of his flesh are tightly joined;
they are firm and immovable.

His chest is hard as rock,
hard as a lower millstone.

When he rises up, the mighty are terrified;
they retreat before his thrashing.

The sword that reaches him has no effect,
nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.

Iron he treats like straw
and bronze like rotten wood.

Arrows do not make him flee;
slingstones are like chaff to him.

A club seems to him but a piece of straw;
he laughs at the rattling of the lance.

His undersides are jagged potsherds,
leaving a trail in the mud like a threshing sledge.

He makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron
and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.

Behind him he leaves a glistening wake;
one would think the deep had white hair.

Nothing on earth is his equal—
a creature without fear.

He looks down on all that are haughty;
he is king over all that are proud."

Then Job replied to the LORD :

"I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'

My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.

Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."

Epilogue
After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has." So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the LORD told them; and the LORD accepted Job's prayer.

Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought upon him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.

The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so he died, old and full of years.


Wednesday, April 02, 2008

So much destruction
is born from so much love

Lord
so many times
it passed through my head
it passed through my head
not once,
but many times

I cannot go on


My resolve nearly broke a matter of hours ago
I was close to the edge
I was so close
I am on the sharp edge of life
and love
and loss

There is so much destruction
So much destruction
is born from so much love

This is true today, for me:
So much destruction
is born from so much love


without God
I cannot go on.

Without God
I will die.

Without God
there is nothing left.

Without God
I have only despair.

Without God
I wish to no longer be here.

Without God
I cannot bare the faintest breeze.

I am an embarrassment
and a shame
I am a blemish and a stain
I am a cracked skull
a seeping wound
I am a scab that is forever being torn away
I am a septic cut
I am the tears of a widow
I am the moans of a hungry heart
I am the groans of a broken man
I am the mourning of an abandoned child
I feel the cut of the coldest morning
I feel the cut of the cold steel cathedral bells
in a country long past its love of any god

I am desperate
I far beyond my wits end
I am full of terror
I am beyond all hope but my Lord my God
I am terrified and I feel sick
I have that sinking feeling
over and over and over again
I have been cheated
and swindled
attacked and beaten
bruised and raped
broken so many times
and not broken at all.

I am the great Hot Air
I am the mighty No More

Oh sweet Jesus,
my Lord,
three months ago I didn't even believe in you
now I cannot live without you
please intervene
please come now
it's become too much
far too much Lord
please come quick
I am floundering in the water
I am sinking where I should walk
Oh Lord
Reach out and catch me
Please father

I have spent my whole life before you
living it up
now I am as broken as all those weak people
I used to pity
now I am as in love as all those sentimental fools
I used to sleep with
now I am so very deservedly shattered

I fall upon the Grace of the Lord God,
the Creator of all that is,
that was,
that will be
and I commit my last remaining strength it Him.

Will I go on in this life
beyond this very dark
and lonely night?

Stay tuned
I love you so much
I can't let it go

You're moving through every part of me
my body can't forget
it's killing me

time is so hard
so hard
My Lord
I thank you for the days you gave
in which her tenderness was upon me
in which she leaned upon me
and I carried her
in which her smiles were my smiles
and her tears my tears

My Lord
in the relentless bright light of these mornings
when I am tempted to buckle
when I am tempted to collapse
I thank you that you keep me from collapsing
I thank you that,
although the bitter taste of her loss
which looks so much like grief
spoils so much today,
You are at work
as ever
bringing good from bad
healing from breaking
Love from fear.


My Lord
I am so in love with her
that it scares me to no longer have the control
I once believed I had.
It is hard to concentrate on work,
hard to smile,
hard to face any direction.
My Lord,
let me find my peace in you.
You are no crutch,
no hiding place.
You are a shield
a shield for attack.
Let me go forward with more courage
and less self-pity
more trust
and less frailty.
Lord,
why should I be downcast
when you are holding my hand
when you lift up my head
when you have made such promises to me?

Across London I long for her,
the call goes out constantly
from my eager heart.
I pray there will be no waste in this.
Add flesh and blood
to the dry bones of this valley.

I will hear your voice
and I will follow

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I have to be honest
brutally honest
this pain
this loss
this going on,
holding on,
it is eating away too much of me
too quickly

I cannot make it
I cannot make it
I keep thinking

Today I could not find my toothbrush
this was quite an acceptable problem
this was very tolerable
I wish all my problems were of this kind
but when I looked for it
I noticed your toothbrush
stood there in its cup
stood there waiting for you to come one evening
and stand next to me
and smile and pull funny faces at me in the mirror
as you drag it across your beautiful smile
as you clean your teeth
as I clean my teeth
as we clean our teeth together

this was not tolerable
my heart breaks over little things like this
every day

that toothbrush is so naive
so innocent
it doesn't know what I know
it doesn't know that you will never come back
it doesn't know that you will never pick it up
never use it again
it will never know your hand
your glorious scent
your soft skin,
your Indian skin,
your beauty.

Nor will I.

The toothbrush sits so sadly in that cup
it makes me sad.
I pity it,
desperate sod.
Better it had never known you,
better it had never seen us so happy together.

I didn't have the heart to shatter its illusions
I didn't have the heart to break its heart
so I left it there
and I will leave it there
for a couple more days
patiently awaiting
your return.

it is too soon to say
"she is gone, and she is never coming back."

It will always be too soon.

I wish I too
did not know
what I do know
now

I must be honest
brutally honest

I am a broken man
and I want her too much
oh Lover,
why'd you go so wrong?
I demand you,
I demand you every second of every day.
I demand you here, now,
in my arms.

I will always demand you.

Oh Lord
help me not to bleed
no more
the love and the loss
gets in the way of better things
I don't want to crawl around no more
aching for her
living in the summer past
living in my broken shell
I do not want to hurt so much
I do not want to hurt
no more

I know she is waiting for me to call.
Waiting for me to text,
waiting for something.
It will not come.
I cannot contact you honey,
for the things you said
and the things you done
I cannot move toward you.

You got to give it up
you got to move to me
you got to take the knives out
the pain won't go away
because you wished you never caused it.

But I don't know nothing.

Perhaps you are sleeping now,
happy.

Perhaps...
no I cannot think on.
It hurts too much honey,
it hurts too much.

There can be no other possibility
than what I dream
I cannot live with what may be real.
I cannot live,
not by my own efforts.
If it were not for God,
would I not be dead
by now?

Yes.


I must not know
how catastrophic love became.

I must not know
what I do not know.

My God,
I've become a desperate thing.
Please rescue me Lord,
from myself
and from my loss.

Even here,
at my darkest hour
you are beside me,
you are my Great Hope.

You will lift me up.

Praise your Name,
my true
loving father.
I would be satisfied alone with your eyes
I have spent eternities there,
revelling.
But your humour,
your heart,
your fickle fancies and your faithful love
your laughter and your sadness
they conquered so much
you were more than a pretty woman
you were so often the silly child
you were so often so honest
and every thought you had
and every word from your mouth
and every laugh and tear
conquered so much in me
each minute I spent with you
increased hunger beyond all reason
and I was laid bare before you
as I have never been
to any one.

Nobody is perfect,
but you were perfect to me.
You were not anybody,
You were ultimate.
You were weak,
You were above and beyond all I could dream
You were more than I could ever hope to have held
Yet I did hold you
just as you held me
and so much more

We lived a glorious age.

You are now the sum of all my pain,
you are the Name which destroys each day
the joy you brought
the joy I never knew could be


You never knew
just how beautiful you are

I will never stop loving you
no matter if you destroy all joy within
I cannot explain my love for you
beyond my love for you

It brings me down
and it ruins me
but it never,
ever,
relents.
it's all well and good
throwing out words of faith
words of trust
but they mean nothing
by themselves

it is not all well and good
in the world of words

You are my shield
I need a shield
Because I must fight

I must fight
To be at peace

Monday, March 31, 2008

I love you more than any other

I have never loved so much

This love is an endless landslide

This love wants to become all inside

I have never loved someone so much

This is my greatest love

I love you too much


And,
my love has yet
not been enough.


I stand wasted
but ablaze.



Rain will come
but I wish it didn't
have to
I came to my home town
Like a wounded animal
fleeing to its den
I came to have my burden lifted
by the hands of others
I came to see other sights
Feel other things
Than you.

But you were there
before I arrived.
You waited for me
and when I felt safest
and most distant from London
and all the pain that lines the rails there,
you attacked.

In my home town
time and distance became
the moment of intimacy lost.

In my home town
you began to break my heart
in new ways.

In my home town
I grieved more wildly inside
more dangerously.

You are now a raging ocean
of unfulfilled longing
within me.
It is cruel beyond words
that I must speculate
as to the shallowness of your waters
and the warmth of your sun.

I am bound before God
but by my own chains.
The Lord has freed me
and I will not seek to undo his work.

My Lord God,
Please help me not only to survive this Day
not only to live through it
but to live on it.

Let my pain be turned to scars
scars that mark my victory in You.

My God,
I feel so broken and full of empty metaphors.

My Lord,
I feel too much, sometimes.

My Lord,
She has become my torture, and that is torture.

My God,
Please show your hand
That I might rejoice again
and be uplifted.

You do not let me wallow in the depths for long.

You are always there,
Reviving and sustaining me.

You are more faithful than my will to live.
More powerful,
More beautiful.

She has abandoned me.

You found me.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Murder
I cry murder
I've been murdered
and the worst of it is
I get to walk around still
cash my cheques and ride the bus
drink my shots and greet my friends
all the while I should be
dead

I've been murdered
but nobody's going to call the police
there will be no trial
there will be no life sentence
and the worst of it is
I don't call for justice
I just call for
life

I can't stop thinking about you
I can't stop breathing
thank God

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I remember
I am there

you and I
lying on the grass
the entrance to the tube station a short walk away
it is not summer
or spring
but Autumn
we are in our coats
the grass is wet
yet somehow
here we are
were
lying

the scent of soil
mixed with the scent of your perfume
and your lips were raw from all the kissing
my lips were sore from all the kissing
beside you I lay
and between our words lay the great yearning

"I love you, K," she says
"I really love you."

Our words were tinged with eternity
a fake eternity
misleading words
we cheapened eternity

"I just want to lie here forever, with you"
you said


Oh my lover,
my Love,
how quickly your love has turned to pain
upon my lips

I would kill myself,
or kill all else,
no word of a lie,
were it not for God's intervention
and his rescue from this pain

"I can't live without you"
she said
"I don't care whatever happens, I have to be with you"
she said
her breathtaking eyes
just sheer terrifying depths of dark and hungry
longing

Five months later
and the grass died
and grew back again

today it snowed
and I was in a church
praying to my God

more friends I had to tell
more friendly ridicule
"is Jesus your lover?"
and they laughed
because for a long time, love,
all I did was take women

To be this side of a rejection is justice
even if you do not call it a rejection
even if you say you are weeping
even if you say your heart bleeds

I bleed real blood

So does my God.







I love you.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Lord,
How you keep me,
How you amaze me
When the sky seems to be crashing down around me
When all my joys become a poison in my head
When yesterday becomes my prison
You lead me out,
You are with me

My Lord,
I never deserved you
I never cared about you
I never wanted you
but You did not abandon me
You move me beyond my pain
You move me
And I know that you are my God
And you love me
And I love you
And I cannot die
Again

Thank You

Monday, March 17, 2008

A strand of your hair
unexpectedly upon my bed
Fine and tough
I could a string the violin I use
To pity myself for your loss

Your fine black hair
I stroked many times
Inhaled its scent as I held you
Dreamt of always holding you
Of feelng that hair draped across my chest
As I thanked God for you
And you slept

I put it aside
And thanked God for the memory
I did not collapse
I am realising
Slowly and imperfectly
The meaning of trust

Though the day may have passed
And I will follow where I am led
My love does not pass
And I will be glad
For you

Friday, March 14, 2008

What then can I say now?
Do I no longer suffer pain?
Do I no longer have troubles?
Far from it.

You know the way I never eat the chocolates people buy me
You know the way those gifts stay in their boxes
Well now I have opened the box of chocolates you bought me
In the vain hope this Valentines gift will somehow bring us close again

On the mantelpiece above my fireplace
Sits the card you gave me
In which you tell me you have never loved nor met a man like me
In which you say you cannot believe how lucky you are
How taken you are
How glad

As I work my way through the chocolates in some
Sad ritual of lost love
I am devouring a memory of you
A You which was altogether kinder
A You in which I placed my trust
My kisses
And my future

I am used to having what I want
I have always been the one
Rejecting
For a man who never committed
The changes wrought in me for you
Amazed so many

Yet your silence has fallen
And your cruelty arrived
A cruelty nobody can explain
A cruelty that does not fit your frame
We cry for you
And we long for you
We do not know what has happened to You

But in the aching nights
I am not alone
I am not abandoned to despair or pain

God holds my hand
So I do not have to go back to being Jack the Lad
To avoid such hurt
Instead I may suffer and bleed openly and free
And let the wounds be healed before Him
Upon Him
There is no greater heartbreak than that which He bore for me
And no greater love than His

Broken!
Broken is the heart!
And the love,
which bore such love,
And carried them across the years,
Now dies a quiet death
In the dusty loud
Of a rumbling underground

The London train comes
And I am humbled further
I watch the rats scurry between the lines
This is the life
But not my life

My Love was taken
My Love was broken
Come quietly now
To bleed in silence
in the dark of the London Underground
where once we all took shelter
From the falling bombs and shrapnel
But now run scared
From extremists
Extremes of love
and fundamental heartbreak
It stalks us in our own city
It takes a seat next to us on the tube
And it will explode upon us
In the dark rattling of our business
It will give us no comfort
No rest any place
Until the heart is well and truly broken.

Lord,
Save us.
Save us all.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

It breaks
It breaks over and over again
Am I to crawl away from this?
Could she follow the trail of blood
If she ever came around?
Lord,
My heart is too frail
Or else
too false.
I know You will help me
Please come now
I cannot bear this breaking

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

After a couple of drinks
and a couple more
the pains come out
I see the words change shape
I see him come to the truth
put it all into the light
I am always amazed at the secret lives of public friends
Yet always,
after the right number of drinks
and the right number of minutes,
the pains come out
and their happiness which seems to sit so well upon the surface
is removed like a tiring mask
which makes deep marks upon young flesh

in his words I see the suicides
that have always marked my words
in his private moments and his over thoughtfulness and his sensitivities
and his loss and his grief and his love and his lusts and his control
and his loss of control and his hard-heartedness and his numbness to the world
and his confusion in the world and his love of life
and his loss in life
I see the same sights I saw in myself
and see in myself
and have seen in every friend or foe
I have ever had occasion
to have a meaningful conversation with

He wants to leave the country
the cuts made were deep
but is not all about Her
She just cut to the source of other pains
and made it easier for those waters to flow up and flood the plains
of his morning commute

He wants to leave the city
he wants to leave his mind
he wants true love
he doesn't give a damn about love no more
he wants happiness
he never expects to be happy
he wants unshakable faith in something
he never expects unshakable faith in anything
he wants to know what he is doing
where is going
what's the point
he doesn't know what he wants

he apologises for having been down
but I assure him no one even noticed
so much were these pains kept in his secret world
and he breaks my heart
as I see the child in him
lost and lonely
looking for a mother or a father
to comfort him
and bring him home

we all lost our homes
some sooner than others
mine at eight or nine or so
him the same
others eighteen
others later

I have a new home
He sees it
but says he can never believe it
he would like to
but he can't
and I know

My heartbreaks for him
and I pray to God
he will show him how to get home
show him the meaning of home
Give him peace

We all stand together on this sinking ship
and try to pretend we have the time to get things done
before we go below the water

but what's the point in anything
without rescue
he seems to say

There is hope
more hope than you know my brother
more hope
such hope
It will come

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The ships are out
in Abersoch bay
the great grey ship of war
silhouetted on the horizon
as I the eight year old
ride by in the car
the ships are out

the ships are sailing
in different oceans
one sails around the tip of India
another is in the ice of Canada
as I grow up and go to school
the ships are out in the world

as I am playing games on the fields
the ships are out in the ocean storms
as I am sitting in the dentist chair
the ships are passing signals on old radio waves
the ships are leagues apart
and their calls are weary and lonesome
unheard static in the great white noise
of storm and ocean

a ship is on the horizon
another passes Wellington
the ships are caked with sea life
and rust and oil and seaweed
but the ships are in the oceans
and they are ever moving
as I complete my final exam
and take my last bus home

the ships blast their horns
in the vast and spotless oceans
as I drink in the student bars
as I dance in the darkened clubs
the ships are turning in giant arcs
making patterns in the sea
invisible from space

but now the ships are coming back
the ships are gaining speed
as I lay my head down in London
the noise of engines thunders
the ships have returned
from their epic voyages of soul
the ships are making waves
increasingly as one

as I wake up and she is not beside me
the ships are on the horizon
the people have come out to the promenade
and are making frightened chatter
the warships are on the horizon
a mighty armada so long forgotten
no longer treading separately
they are a footprint in the ocean

The ships of war are coming
and the promenade is full of danger
the people are afraid
excitement keeps them talking
the ships have united
at the crucial time
for the most perfect occasion
and their victory is assured

As I open my eyes
and walk down to the beach
I see the ships have made their homecoming
And I am no longer lost in searching
My ships have come in
And the lonely trip of longing
disembarks

Sunday, March 09, 2008

It's a strange pain
standing here in the shower
a pain of losing
of leaking
of draining away
standing here in the shower

It's a strange light
that greets these empty mornings
a strange silence of the mobile phone

whenever your absence attacks
it is the strangeness
that hurts the most

Who would have thought
your devotion would lead here
Who would have thought
the warmth could drain so quickly

It's a strange pain
I carry with me
on the tube
in the church
in my mind as I stir the tea

It's a lonely pain
that I cannot understand
your absence
I cannot understand

before God
I have accepted this pain
and I carry it in hope
that one day
you will explain
and finally the cold and cutting strangeness
will itself
drain away

Saturday, March 01, 2008

To me
Her face has changed
A new light
Or a new moon
strikes her face

or else a mask is put on
or a mask is removed

In the form of this new face
I find my terror
and the bounds of my living nightmare

where once was my greatest sweetness
now stands my greatest pain
where once was true love
now stands true loss

Eyes that sang of love
No longer sing
But reflect my own eyes
Where bright blue has turned
To darkest night

I call out to God
and He answers me
He gives me strength
To carry on


Thank you loving Lord
who will never abandon me
Praise your Name
You are my respite
and if you were not by my side
holding me up
I would be lost to the world
and to myself

My heart breaks with each moment
that I remember her
with each mention of her name
with each passing minute when I remark
"still, no word from her."

And I am sick, Lord
for there will never be another word of love from her
will there?

With you all things are possible
night can turn to day
death to life
despair to joy
bitterness and anger
to love and sweet mercy

Will you do this for me?

You have already saved me
You have already lifted me up
I am already lying in your house
Recovering
breathing the fresh air
as the foul waters of that murky lake
leave me for good

I was drowning Lord
and even here
in this light and day
the mark it made was so deep
that I fight to remember
I am no longer drowning

You have stretched out your hand to catch me
and I gladly cling to you

With you there is no death
No blinding dark descent
No cold and numbing waters
But power,
And love,
And joy forever

Help me to wake up Lord
and see that I am in your house
The storm may rage
But in you
Calm reigns
And I find peace

Friday, February 29, 2008

My God
Let these words stand here
as testimony to my misery
and the bitter salt of my tears
as the very blood that drains
from a shattered and crushed
trusting heart.

Let them be a mark
to which I may return
days
weeks
months
years
from now
to remember how great the darkness from which you rescued me
and how great the measure
of your all conquering Love

Lord have mercy on me.
I curl up
foetal
and my body shudders
I gasp and gulp for breath
in between the convulsions
of my tears
my voice
the voice of sheer desperation
stops and starts with
the the shaking of my whole being
my chest is bursting
my heart beats out of its cage
I strike my chest with clenched fists
I shudder and I wretch
the tears pour as the flood gates open
I am devastated
Demolished
Totally
and utterly
destroyed

Oh Lord
Is this the happiness I have reaped?

But I look to you
as I moan and ache in my tears
and misery
I look to you through blurring eyes
and I see light
and hope

Without you Lord
this would be unbearable
Perhaps I would not have gone on living
Though living now seems torture and pain
Without you Lord
I would be truly lost
But with you Lord
I have everything I need

You are my great consolation

Please come Lord,
as I writhe in pain,
my agony is hard to live with Lord

I fall upon your mercy
Knowing you have already caught me

Praise your Name
loving and gracious
God.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

There is an overturned table
scattered crumbs and the body of a man
broken on the stone floor
the body of a man who never knew if he dined alone
or when the wine would run dry
what has he seen, Lord?
what has he heard?

pick me up off the floor
and put me back together
not in my own strength
which was shattered
but in yours
which was my strength
before I was even born

In the hour of testing
In the hour of longing
In the hour of aching
In the middle of the lonely ocean
There is a very clear line between
What is
And what is not
real

Because you are the most real thing there is
I will never dine alone
Never thirst

But the pain,
Lord,
Will you take it all away
one time more?

I love you
I can never have my fill

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Give me the patience to suffer ridicule
and the humility to know
how little I know


Please do not give me what I deserve
But what you want me to have
and make me happy
like so many times before

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

"I was killing myself
but now I'm living"
he said
shaking his head
and pointing to the scars
as he stepped off the ledge
of the 9th floor
I have become the sum
of all that I devour
and all that I devour
is nothing less
than hunger


there is not enough of her to satisfy me
I want to consume her
and all the others
every woman
I am pure hunger

When I am finished
and she is finished
I start again
There is no end
and there is no lasting satisfaction

My lust fires me on
My lust makes the day go by
My lust makes the day a thrill
My lust has an edge which falls away
whenever I surrender to it

But whenever I surrender to it
it returns again
much stronger

At first it was days,
then it became hours.
Now it is minutes after surrendering to my driving hunger
that it falls again upon my head
and the sense that flows briefly
is stopped up,
dammed and damned,
its waters turned to steam in the heat of
My fire

I am never satisfied
but always hungry
I gorge myself
and my body is ravaged and ruined
strained and stretched
I ask
"now, with these scars and bruises,
with all this energy spent,
now is my hunger exhausted?"
but still I must have more
and with each touch and bite
I am filled with misery and sorrow
a great hollowness opens up within
and swallows my short-lived pleasure

I have become the sum
of all that I devour
and all that I devour
is nothing less
than hunger

God
if it were not for you
I would never be happy
I would never end this lonely descent
into dead worlds
where mirrors are made of female flesh
and reflect my form
perfectly

As I fall upon my sword again
there is no rescue
there is no shock
there is only the resounding terror
of a hunger born again

But You,
You break chains in prison cells
and lead the worst men out
into the open

left here with my lust
the walls would close again
the bounds would be the lack of bounds
the sentence would be death without death
woman after woman
kissed and loved
loved and touched
and anyone I lay my eyes upon
who might fall with me as soon as the falling
can be done
would be carried by my aching hands
into this bed
where I would cheat with other lovers
betray and steal and hate between the covers
until I finally
took myself

the addict
stealing from his own flesh and blood
crying as he sells their love
self-loathing as he fills his hollow heart up
with a temporary shot
of human steam

Without God
I would be dead
by now

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Everything
Anything
It's in your hands
And I'll wait for your word
For my next move

Surely it's time

Saturday, February 09, 2008

As I opened up my heart before God
thinking I was some kind of lovingly kept temple
a text arrived from an old flame that I had lit for my own amusement
but to which I had never actually offered up my flesh
for fiery consumation

she said
'I'm horny'

Could her accidental imagery have been any more apt for the old temptation,
and the same old tempter?
Amusing, were it not that the temple I had been
quickly filled with images and flashes
of all the unholy things I could, and would, commit
with her

My resolve is nothing
My strength all image
and talk

'But I love another'
I told her

I kept God quiet,
I kept God a secret
because I cared too much for what she thought of me
even as I rejected her advance
God is no shame,
but I shame God

She returned again

'I'm horny'
she said

This time no humour came to me
but the sickening feeling of being tested

I told you I loved another
But you came again to test my resolve
to see if you couldn't get me to shame myself
become that man again
forsake my Lover
sleep with you

You don't know me anymore
and I do not blame you
You are behaving just as I always have
But I am no longer a slave to our skin
And I will not cheat on my lover
And I will not cheat on my God
I am no good,
but I Am
is so good

This is not my virtue
This is not my strength
I haven't earnt a thing, I am no better than anyone
This is just another term of the divine rescue mission launched on my life
when I was all at sea, but thought myself an island

'Why did He rescue you?'
Beats me,
but I'm led to believe
He would do it for you too

I told her
'You deserve a decent man, I'm sure you'll have your pick soon. But I'm crazy about
my girl, I can't give you what you're after.'

And of course,
I will never hear back from her

Thursday, February 07, 2008

And you are a man
she said
and I looked upon her as a mother
and you are my man
she said
and I looked upon her as my woman
and your legs, she said,
I was looking at your legs
My legs? I said
How strange
Those legs could look after me,
she said
My legs? I said
How strange
But anything I have
I'd put to work for you

I dare not imagine your children
she says
Your children will be beautiful
I say
I dare not imagine our children
she says
I smile,
when did we become so old?
I ask
But she is very young,
and I know I will look back
on her trusting eyes and soft smooth skin
in fondness for the foolish talk we made
way back when
all we had to do was dream
to make a victory of everything

Don't call me your woman
she says
Until I am your woman
Unless I am your woman

Then she says
But I am your woman
and I cannot see it any other way
On the hill
the crimson is no longer blood
but the light of a rising sun
And the warmth of that new day
is felt across the ages
even in the cold
of this long winter

I breathe the fresh air of a new world

Monday, February 04, 2008

Father
you see my lack of self control
is total
To hear them next door
is to become them

In an instant I become
that slave again

Break the chains,
break the bond
I cry out to you
before there is no more time
break the links that keep me tethered
to my death in lusting after little death
after little death
after little death
after little death
and on and on
unil the big,
long,
death

Every time I try to hurt myself
You make me smile
with your kindness
I never saw so much kindness in all my life
real kindness
real love
and now you give so much of it
I can't lose my joy for long

You are truly amazing
I don't know an inch of you
but the footprint that you left
as you passed by
the perfection of that mark
is enough to captivate my heart and soul
tonight
and for ever after

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Every morning when I wake
I see Bathsheeba bathing
Lord take her away, I pray
But I know I should stop walking on the roof

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lord,
into this new world I walk
or else am pushed
only to find a greater clamour to bind the truth
to the hand of human power

in this sickening market place
I can barely hear my own thoughts
and every noble man I know
seems to turn to his own mirror for reflection

Lord,
I thank you for my woman
and her faith
that though imperfect,
is perfectly built upon
a love of your Name

Jesus Christ,
I missed you in the crowd
and went first for music,
then for the Law,
then for fame,
and finally,
for Nothing

Now I come to you
more a child than I ever aspired to be
but thankful that I am
so ignorant and helpless
Relying solely upon you
is the only way
I know I will be saved

When I peek at the future
My stomach turns
My head aches
My eyes are dulled
I know there is a test ahead
and a pain ahead
far beyond my current comprehension

I ask only that you keep my hand
that I might never look away from your face
that imperfect and undeserving as I will continue to be
you will lead me through
never forsaking you
my Lord,
my God,
my Father

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I look to the future
and the colour drains from my face
the sky darkens
every fear awakes
fears I thought had died in childhood
return to torture me

I look to the future
and I become less than a child
I am the most helpless
thoughtless
terrified
seed
of a dying weed
blown in a gale
no use to anyone
and destined for
destruction

It is your hand Lord
that strikes me with fear
Stretch out your other hand,
My God,
and calm the storm

I am less than a speck on the edge of your infinite universe
but carry me, Lord,
like a child on your shoulders



The fear I see
has no power over me
Now that you are here
rebuking waves
and speaking softly
in great mercy

Give me strength

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dear Tom Macrae,
embittered singer son of Church of England Vicars,
I feel it only fair that I inform you that in this coming year I fully intend to
utterly out perform you

Frankly, Tom, Cohen and Dylan already cornered the market on
turning a mirror to the Most High
and you just come off just like me,
some wet little songbird all sensitive in the way he throws his rattle from the pram
The pram may have been a Cathedral
but it don't make either of us great before God
and you still believe,
but you don't know

Tom,
God willing,
I'll be coming from the other direction
a perfect inflection
your mirror man
a reversed image of your tired and over-worked God-anger
or else,
a failure in praise
but nonetheless,
I'm not going to add my tears and bile to the hurricane no more

And I have to say,
the Amelia Earhart lyric was pretty poor
ah but better to have tried to be Dylan
than to have never realised one's total inadequacy at all

Tom, you know what?
I think I'm coming for you.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Leonard, I see you now
in a new light
flooding in through the cell window
in that Zen temple
atop Mount Baldy
you crazy bald genius you

I see you now
as the willing slave
the aching pulsating ache
looking to be commanded and defiled
I see you glory your god in between Babylon's legs
I know you are getting hard just reading, Leonard

but your misery in flesh
was also my misery in flesh
your little death
was also my little death
I bled upon many soft young breasts
I cried upon barely kissed thighs
and my last breaths
were breathed at the climax
before the darkness rushed in,
crushed my balls
and left me deader than the sodden earth of every single human grave

so in my temple, Leonard,
I didn't entertain my persecution lust
by chance
God took away my affliction
and suddenly I was no longer a slave
to wanting to be a slave
the freedom was not my own victory,
Leonard,
but a dove descending from Jerusalem

And I know that you could never give up a good woman
and I know that you would fetishise the Seraphim
but Leonard,
if you saw the true Majesty of the Promised Land
and tasted the despair of King David as he laid with
Uriah's wife,
all your Talmudic laments and Book of the Dead sentiments
would fall away into
blinding white light

The glory of the Lord
And you would not hate the woman anymore,
the woman you love to call master,
and you would not cut your flesh
and you would not hold your fame
or make those beautiful aching songs

No, you would live forever.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

That I can cry in joy before you
fall to my knees in joy
grip dust in my hands
and smile to the sky
that I can sleep with a fluttering heart
and wake with a laugh
that I can live,
even in my death,
this is the story of your boundless grace
and the flowing of your mercy
unto me
for now Lord,
and for eternity
Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest

Saturday, January 19, 2008

And then

God saved me
and there can be no more tears of misery
flowing from despair

There is a hope that cannot be broken

This Shadow Cabinet is full of light

God is in the house, rejoice.

Jesus Christ is my saviour
and I am no longer a poor poet
but a poor psalmist.

Poor, but rich beyond comprehension.

The Shadow Cabinet is a story of deliverance
and Grace

And on the 8th day,
we begin again.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

as I approach the summit of the escalator
ascending from the Jubilee Line
I note the tube at Waterloo
smells like my old school canteen

I flow

When I approached the house the sprinklers were on

the grass was yellow, dry,

scorched by the Mediterranean sun

clearly he had just returned

I expected a gardener

I did not expect his son

the pool was the obvious choice

but two made the play unsafe,

the son in the boot,

the father in the pool

ironically discovered by the waste disposal men

when I approached the house the sprinklers were on

this did not help my cause

I turned them off

I left the grass to die

naturally

it was not murder


When I returned to London there were gales and a storm

she was waiting for me

her glorious trusting eyes welled up,

the water on her cheeks

turned the sprinklers back on

for a moment, panic,

she saw it there

said

“what's the matter? Are you okay?”


I am not an empty vessel

This desire will cost me

dear

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I cannot help but see us there,
reflected in the eyes of Leonard Cohen

Sorry.
There are many honest hearts in the keep
details and epic ventures I could never let you know
such as the power of your scent upon my fingers
to bring my hands to better worship of you
and all things

and now too my struggle to keep my destitution from your flesh
so that I do not need to be touched to feel alive
so that I do not waste the last few hours of this final ray of heaven's light
the thoughtless beauty of your grace
your life

I hear this, I recognise the vanity
of one who paints himself as lost in noble struggle -
there's nothing noble about my 'battle' -
I lost immediately and was discovered by disapproving Angels
tangled in my bedsheets and my own weary skin

I prayed then for redemption,
as I always do,
but I fear I must shake this idea of ever being worthy of you
if I am ever to be worthy of you

Honey, it's love.
I don't want to run for pleasure no more
I run for you
I was a slave to pleasure, but now I'm carving out my freedom from the wreckage of my touch.

He was a slave to pleasure.

"Why is that you're never here for long? You're here, then you're gone. You start, then you stop. What is it with you?"

What is it with him?

There were many parts to me, and no one part had sole control of all the faculties. No one part was guiding me.
I faded in and out as I passed between my many selves. Sometimes winning with a hunger and a charm, sometimes strong in thought and passion.
And sometimes losing with a wasted word, broken with a fickle heart,
distant in his service to the state. The government of his country and the government of his body, a weakness and a strength, a comedian turned murderer and all colours in between.
I was many things, and so never anything. For a moment I was almost an intellectual, but soon enough I was a shallow-minded twat.

He is no longer a slave to pleasure, he says.

And it has to become true
if either of us is to survive his lust

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Come hear me whimper,
less like a roar than was predicted
when I sixteen

where the novel drifts to complaint
where the song fades to the sound of the London traffic
where the poetry is not poetry, but this -
come hear me whimper like a bitter brat

I stepped beyond the studies and the service of the state
beyond creative ventures, novels, songs, plays, poems, websites,
to the more constructive venture of following a woman
down to where it all begins

she led me away from the drink and the flashing nightclub lights
to a bedroom where she lay beside me naked
more naked than anyone before
and she was beautiful

and I fell for her

sick of myself,
falling for one woman after another
but different this time,
and she calls me her man
and I call her my woman
and she clings to me for dear life

but dear God
has put a great expanse between us
a great divide
that seperates heaven from hell
for she is a child of God, you see,
but I lost my way a long time ago

now she weeps when we meet,
says she knows she mustn't love me
says she knows she can't be with me
but she aches
and aches
and gives in to it,
as though loving me is her greatest vice
and leaving me is her greatest test of faith

and once I would have walked away
or brought an ultimatum before her
but I dare not lose what I may not even have,
finally, accidentally, I ended up with a woman I'd devote myself to
is God taking her away?

And a part of me says
there is no god to take away your lover
and a part of me says she is making a mistake letting phantoms and myths
ruin her bliss
but a part of me says
her faith is beautiful
and for all the earth I wish
there was a God to put this woman back into heaven

and so I stumble in the dark
shuffling on my knees
praying to a God I had forsaken
saying
"look after her, if you take her away
don't let her heart break
and don't forsake me,
keep me going,
help me to forget what I saw
when I saw her naked before me"
and the night draws in
and the night draws down
on everything
but whimpers

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Put to death the flesh
that seeks to deny you the corporeal,
that temps you with the scent of angel thighs
between which a mortal man will wish to die,
mortify the flesh
that lies

so they said before the latest mission
from Darfur to south Kordofan,
rapid reaction to stupid admission
from the reckless rebellion of everyman
"We will target your oil and your engineers",
they might just as well have sent a suicide note
so those of us with dis-livelihood careers
dispatch unto them the Western vote:
the ballot is a bullet,
when all is said and done,
when we tear away from angel thighs
and crash to earth to mortify the flesh,
and flesh is lies,
So this is how the war is won
for flesh is lies,
I am a killer and I will show you earthly love,
I am a lover and I will show you death.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

this is love
I take it all as an act of grace that your body seems
perfect in every place
for all I want from you is your heart and soul,
nothing more than your being, whole,
and I give to you all that I can do,
I write some songs,
I right some wrongs,
and the money is all yours

I wanted her love,
and I have it,
so it is true in the end.
A woman can fill that god shaped hole
if that woman happens to be divine.

I'll run away with her to Morocco
hide among the ruins of Benthala
write the account of the massacre but keep a novel in secret
running under the desk of UN papers
running through our veins with music and the ocean
and all the sun drenched hungers of our youth

we talk of love as though it comes plastic-wrapped
and bite size,
disposable, replaceable,
but we both know by now
this rules our heads

In and out of love like its a cheap recurring fashion,
but I cannot stop
I am lover,
now she comes to meet me half way,
now she comes,
and this is love.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

when the cough comes the rupture deep within
is enough to seduce, for now
she wears my football shirt
her body pressing through the thin fabric
my swift hands upon her, orchestrating body song,
this is so much more than performance
this is creation
with artistry

we sing

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I am alive



I don't believe in excuses





I typed this with one hand

Monday, October 08, 2007

She said

"I love you, I love you so much it scares me, and I never expected this"


She said

"I want you, I need you now, I need you to be here beside me now, and for all times"


She said

"you're perfect, I can't believe this is real, I never expected this, I can't stop smiling"


She said

"but you don't believe in God, and I love God, and I didn't see this coming"

and

she said

"I should have said something before, but I love you and I'm torn, but perhaps I shouldn't see you"

and

she said

"but I have to, I want to, it's just my head that's saying no, and now I can't stop crying"

and

she said

"I love you, but it can't happen, and I'm sorry for hurting you, this hurts me too"

and then

He said


"I touched you, but you touched me, and now your prints are burnt into my skin. I'll wear the brand of the gentle lover, the genteel lover, the gentile lover, and I will step into the flames of the desire that you left burning, like some back street fire of plastic bottles and rubber tyres, and I will be consumed."

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Claudine says
come celebrate my birthday
come drink with me
but I decline

Claudine is hurt
it's been so long since we were together
dancing truly hungry under false light
but one by one
I shed my childish affections
and all my childish
affectations

But honestly
now,
in the aftermath,
butterflies in my belly
when I think about her,
which I so rarely do
It makes me realise how dangerous it would be
to drink with her again

So close in the same city
she is another world
I must leave at the edge of my galaxy

New light comes through my windows
and I will be free

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I have an image of your body in my mind
it is very hard to forget
probably impossible
and I have a memory on my lips
of your lips

but it does not feel like it was me
it is as though another man was witness,
culprit,
lover

Whenever I have touched you,
or any other woman,
it was never real

the moment dies within itself
upon itself
and I record all for later post-mortem

This is not living
this is observation

Welcome to my observation comedy
On the Eighth Day
You must learn to love the lines of my suit
my crisply ironed shirt
and the shine of my shoes
for I have reconfigured dignity, here,
on this leather couch,
where I once thrust though your breathless words,
my hands on your Eden waist,
my mouth on your Eden neck,
I am seated suited clean and crisp,
gentleman replaces gentle man,
and there is nothing to fear from serpents or gods
When your hair is combed and your soul is a pocket watch

You must learn to love the codes of my habit,
the figures and calculations of my bank statements and pay packages
all my economic estimations and rituals of dust,
for I am no longer wild in a glass
pouring my own spirit down my own neck and singing till my throat is bloodied
No,
I am kept and coiled,
arranged to the minutest measurement,
and I am seated here on this couch of sweat and lipstick and cum
to pronounce on beauty...

Beauty is no longer in the eye of the beholder
Beauty can no longer be seen
Beauty can only be dreamed

I woke up
and it was morning, on the Eighth Day

Some of the boys are dead now love
they were taken under the snows of last winter
some of the boys were cold
some of them were blue in February
I took photographs
I took pulses
I took what I could before the communications cut forever


some of your veins I see
some of your veins stand up on your arms
If I pricked them with a pin they should bleed bright blue
like the eyes of some of those boys

it was okay, you know
to leave them in Winter
and anyway,
here in the Summer we are not expected to look back on them


I never encounter anything that makes me feel ill
no grease on your body or scum in the tub
i do not eat
i only drink
I never consume anything I wouldn't want to paint
I fall in love all the time you know,
and I fucked in Paris for a good forty years or so
before they built the first MacDo


So you see everything rotten was covered in the snows
was buried in the cold and nobody should unturn the Winter stones,
they are markers for graves

let them nihlate


I see your perfect brown body
I see your perfect young skin and I am a Divine Lifetime away from that desolate
landscape of blue heaven and blinding white Barren

I touch you and I am touched
broken in just the right way as to be fixed
and weeping,
stronger with every tear some kind of Man you make me love,
some kind of man of hot blood never
knowing cold,
never seen in early morning frost
last breath steaming from cracked lips
never
ever


I find it strange what I've become
once so stern in love
I would not touch like this
I would not hold you so much
I would not seek your lips

I find it strange what I've become
once so disciplined and kept
now I cannot keep away from you
my arms around you
I never let you go
perhaps even I'll smother you


...and then you become another, no longer Lover
but killer
are you looking back over the White Expanse?
Are you pulling back the lids on the eyes I closed
on the many fallen men rigid in the honest snows?
You heartless, heartless Beauty
that tears from me my strong young heart
and drains from me my hot young blood
my veins are blue
but empty now,
and you,
clothed and with a company of sweating eager men,
you should know that it is not okay to leave me here
with my bright blue eyes
in the Winter that has always followed
your first heated kiss

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Yes, perhaps I am drunk
and perhaps it is 3.45 am
but still,
I am clever
in my way

I have the most beautiful Indian lover
I think I could easily grow to love her
but still,
when I stop for breath,
my heart longs for Claudine

Claudine,
you fucking nightmare,
I should have slept with you again.

And then there is Grace,
who begs me for a night.

It all comes at the wrong time
but I am lucky never to be alone
a beautiful woman always in my bed
and now
this most beautiful woman
stroking my hair
telling me
I am forgiven

I am in heaven and hell
You are
by far
the most beautiful woman I have seen
naked

and without wishing to sound arrogant
that is saying something

it is saying
oh love,
you are something special

naked before me I felt privileged
and grateful
and fully undeserving
and all of a sudden
I could not tell
if I was inside you or not

have you noticed that I do not know?
have you noticed how limp I am quickly becoming?

soon I am no longer the powerful charmer with your perfect body in his hands
but the failed lover,
limp and shamed,
thankful to the heavens to be this close to you

it did not last
an hour later
I was once more the god

but still love,
still,
you are so very beautiful
and for a moment you stunned me,
threw me off guard,
and left me weak

For this
I will always thank you

Sunday, August 26, 2007

You and your lips

waiting there

like a new Zion


I sit patiently, a Stephen stoned

for the good of a God

the martyr of the office hour

but honey we both know

I'm dying to touch you

I'm dying to die for you


you and your fine black hair

you and your Asiatic eyes

you and your body of bending branches

playing as a siren before me

playing as a sailor,

it's almost too much some times


This another sweet love story,

this another romance for the year

this another woman and the same hungry man

who always wants what he cannot have,

but I have you now,

so what happens next?

Music plays,

the ladies of the court dab cheap tears and look on fondly,

we are to dance I guess,

like this,

our bodies bonded and our eyes alight

like faded aristocracy

your caste and mine

vying for the crown of Elegance

but fuck it,

you're beautiful in rags and ashes honey,

you're beautiful sad and happy,

and when you held me,

I didn't need anything else


When you held me,

I didn't need anything else

at all

Vision
I take you to the nights of youth
salt water on our lips
beneath the stars at dead of night
dark mountain climb
I take you up crumbling path
beside the gushing stream
the fern scent dizzying our minds
so strong
no wind
and strong star light
that keeps the sleeping world subdued
our mountain here
the trickling mud and ancient breaking stone
our mountain here is Love

I lay you down
you lay me down
side by side
on Cader Idris
and god breathes between us
fills our lungs
the moths and bats and ticks and gnats
know us like the moss
because this mountain
and all its dripping stone and drenched grass
it is our love

the caves are my throat
and the breeze is my song
and the trees are your touch
and the streams are your prayers
and my sweetheart,
dear sweet young hope,
this mountain is our Love
this mountain is our soul

But in the morning,
as always,
we both come down

Saturday, August 25, 2007

every day
a wine bar or a cafe
she waits for me
and I come eagerly

in a cafe on the Strand
I kiss her
her lips undoing so much pain
I kiss her
and she holds on to me
for dear life

from the cafe we walk
before the waiting London cabs
across towards the Thames
and the sun is setting
and the moon is in the sky
and we walk over Waterloo Bridge
and I am holding her still
and she is hungry too

from the station we take the Tube
on the Jubilee line I ride
with her
and a kiss goodbye
at Finchley Road
before the same old
journey home

this accidental romance made
me free
she says
"I've never been like this before, with anyone"
and I wince
there was no death of a ladies man
there was no man to die
but the boy lives on,
his melodrama in the summertime
a testament to such unbridled life

Sunday, August 19, 2007

It is time
oh God
yes
it's time

so long coming
so close now
I could fucking cry
oh the relief is written all over me
all across my body
my voice trembles
so close to being
so free

September comes
but not just any old month
this one
that was predicted
that was planned for
that was anticipated
this month comes
to bring in change
evolution
resurrection of an old dream
and the descent of a new Jerusalem from the clouds

The chains are falling away
the music is bursting at the seams
the alcohol flees from my blood
I am coming round

the dream fades as the sleep drops away from blinded eyes
the light now coming in so bright
i see at last,
I see
the streets of Brussels
and the streets of Paris
the streets of Montpelier and the streets of Norwich
the streets of York and the streets of London
the streets of Bradford and the streets of Ulster
the streets of all the many cities
and the hills and crumbling footpaths of the welsh mountains and the Pennine Way
the damp stone of the Slack Stop streams and the crusty mud of the Herefordshire farm
the heat of the Malvern Hills and the low throb of the Lake District motorway
the moon, in full power, tugging at the sea,
and the sun, blazing strong, pulling sweat through a grey suit in Peel Park,
the times, changed and changing,
are all becoming one

The Future is Coming
and it is so very close
Within a matter of weeks you will tell me that you love me
I know
I am a master of this trick
no matter how pretty
or seemingly beyond my league
Given time to talk, I touch,
whatever your humour, I draw your laughter,
and before you know it
you think you've met "the One"

I am the One
for everyone
so I am no good to anyone

But when your words come
I will know what to say
the correct response will form in my mouth
I will expel it
as a prophesy
let he who has eyes to see, see
"you might love me now, but give it time"

although
perhaps I also love you

give it time
and we will see

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

so perhaps not so free of lust
but sweetly done
you gave me courage to touch you without guilt

but the truth is
though you revealed your hidden beauty
though I played out our game across the divine tribute of your Indian body
I hungered most for this:
that you lie beside me, sleeping
and rest your head on my chest

when you did this love,
I felt more joy than all the naked fumblings of my previous life

my previous life
the time before we ended time
for a night or so
to be beside
ourselves

thank you

Monday, August 13, 2007

Going to bed
going to bed are you son?
I love you sunshine
going to bed

getting up
then going back to bed
you go to bed sunshine
you go to bed son

but when the sun shines son
you're up
and when that sun fades son
you go to bed

going to bed again
I watch you proudly
going about things admirably
an animal kitted out with clockwork
you tick tock on the dot
right to the right spot
off you go
right back to bed son

and when you take a woman there
to that there bed of yours
I like the way you tick like a clock
bang bang bang
on the dot
your mechanical love is the very word of nature
your tick tock love is good
you follow your wholesome little design
loyal to your loins
loyal to your lines son
going back to bed
until the sun shines

tick tock
never stop
going back to bed

Saturday, August 11, 2007

I was there beside her in the morning
in the early hours
her head rested on my chest
for a while she let her guard down
I stroked her hair gently
and she did not make a sound
she was so beautiful

I was there to see her smiles
and they could have only been for me
nobody else around
she said
"pour me another drink"
so I fixed her a cocktail
then she lay down beside me
and was beautiful

I was there to see her in the office
her pride and strength turning me on so much
I stood up and said
I'll have you
and she said
"dream on"
and I did dream of her again

I was there to begin the process of
falling in love
so tedious and predictable
and she was there to make her objections
but all her objections were undone that night
when she looked shy and longingly over soft flickering candle light
into my hungry eyes
and said
"you have good taste, I'll give you that"

But I want more love,
too much
so much
I think you too will piss me off
as I deserve

My name is keyrun
my name is keeran
my name is nothing
for all these words
it is when you stand before me,
when we are face to face,
that you tremble before the power of my appetite
succumbing once again to the siren of my poison voice
elocuting beauty, the beauty of your offering to me

I want you


and so I talk to professors and diplomats
of the complexity of diminishing conflict
of the ins and outs of post-traumatic stress disorder
of the latest innovations in the psychiatric treatment of shame-related ethical disfigurement,
and my talk...my dressed up talk that walks a thousand miles away from such simple
and childish prose as this...it preaches emptiness and longing and hunger,
and you, my love,
you are now becoming the object of my distraction,
the one I am turning to
to deliver me from evil
deliver me from honesty
kiss me,
hungrily,
and teach me to cry.

I want you

The New Girl

I think you're sweet
and I think you don't need me
I think it's the way you're not so impressed by me
that makes me so keen

so you know I try harder
and I know I've broken your defences a couple of times
and I look back now amazed and astounded
that I had you in my bed
and did not even so much as kiss you

You have made a saint out of me

My lover
my non-lover
my girl who is not at all my girl
thank god you're here, now
if you weren't
i would be wasting my time obsessing about Claudine
instead I am wasting my time obsessing about you

I doubt you will be mine
but we keep coming together over candles and wine
and your eyes keep losing their independence to mine
and I conquer you with my humour and my wit
and you conquer me with your sass and your humour and your beauty and your wit
and we fall together

but then you go home to your family
and your real life
and I go home to mine
and I amazed that I felled such a beauty
to whom I had no right

but you could be mine
and perhaps you will be mine
I think you're sweet
and you do not need me

You are just what the doctor ordered

Thursday, August 09, 2007

I find that I am addicted to taking you to wine bars
I find I am addicted to listening to you talk
I find I am finding this easy
I find you attractive
and I hope you have the strength to keep me at arms length


Grace talked of dirty videos and growing old alone
Claudine asked for help in finding work
Kate came round, grieving and not moving on
I conducted no research, a shame
I could be prosecuted
but earlier, watching you drink and laugh again - you made me smile
for real


I do not want to be a man that comes from woman to woman
falling in and out of "love" too easily
wrecking beauty with my ill considered appetites

so secretly, against myself, I pray you have the strength to keep me at arms length

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I dare not touch you again
though I love your beauty
my other passions subside as I am caught by the simplicity of your perfection

fine black hair
soft brown skin
big brown eyes
a withering wit
and a heart of laughter and kindness that makes my heart
laughter and kindness

I could lie beside you all night and listen to your sleepy chatter
smile at the petty spats you and your friends love to agonise over,
sound my agreement in a low hum when you suspect I am falling asleep
but never close my eyes on you
I could stroke your hair like this, and be happy, like this,
humour you and build you up, like this,
but I want to protect you

I want to protect you now from me
and see you get what you deserve
a man more noble
less prone to self-indulgence
devoted and contented
a man of worth to match you

I know that I can have you
but I dare not touch you again
I dare not ruin you
poison your life with my life
as you lie sleeping beside me

but oh god your hair, like this, over my chest
it is enough to undo all my best intentions
enough to make me vulnerable to you

but I will not make love to you
though I know you are a dream for men like me
though I know that to lie beside you cures me of my other passions
I will not use you
or love you
You would make love to me
but I would be ashamed
for I would feel animal, offering nothing more than fucking
I am the sensitive man you hunger for,
but I am also the vulgar wretch you run from
I will not let you love me
or seek my touch
I have broken my sweat over other women
and they have broken their hope over me
but we never met there innocently
without suspicions of less love
without a knowledge of the risks

but you
you are better than this
better than me
the one thing I will do right this year
is save you from a fate
you do not even know is looming

I will not touch you again

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

"You feel like there's a hole in you, in your spirit, your soul..."

"Perhaps..."

"The hole, it's a god-shaped hole..."

"Sure, if god is a woman, and I have every reason to believe this is the case."

Sunday, August 05, 2007

it was just to be in Africa
with your scent still on my hand
your taste on my lips
in the heat

now any form of that woman
I'll take
a woman to make me hunger
a woman to make me groan
a woman to keep me young enough
for a little while longer
a woman to really love

it was just to be in Africa
with that woman
and that strength
that I chose to wake up today
and breathe again
more power
i need more fucking power


i just fucked a beautiful woman
i don't even remember her name

still trying to hide in female flesh
still on the edge
miserable
suicidal
so sad

she had huge breasts
it seemed to help

Friday, August 03, 2007

It was a tough call sunshine,
but I think I just about preferred your suicide notes
to your love letters

as for your music,
the less said the better
16.45
I am here
typing
in the office
25
full health
fully alive

I feel aborted
robbed
broken

I want to weep
I am fighting tears back
so strange

I tend not to cry
ever

I don't know what is wrong with me
I never did

I just want to mean it, for once, when I reply
"I'm fine"
i think this is the lowest point
your lowest point, sunshine
but you won't kill yourself in the garden
let the sun shimmer in the warm trickle of your blood
and you will not run away
take the next plane
and pretend to be some other kind of person or animal

i don't know where we go from here, sunshine
beyond tonight
i know tonight you will take a bottle of whisky
drink it dry
and i know tonight you will become too sentimental
and curl up in a ball on the floor
and shake with child's crying
and i know that at that point
you will feel even more ashamed
and even less of a man
than you do now
but i do not know how you will find a way to go on living
though i believe you will

i do not wish you would perform your suicide
and i only partly wish you would escape this country and cut your ties
mostly i wish we could go back in time
undo all those errors you made
take it to the start of each pretty woman
back when they were so eager
and you were so strong
back to when you did not really want any one

but I know this cannot happen
i know we are stuck with your past
with your face
and your features
and your frail trembling hands
you could start again elsewhere
and have the same success
but it would only come crashing down around you
once again

perhaps there is no escape
and you will go on trembling and drinking to your final days
i wish there was some way to save you, sunshine
i wish you hadn't become such a waste
but here we are
you are totally undone and angry and full of self-hate and stagnant tears
oh i love you honey, sunshine, lad,
but you're fucked
fucked
fucked

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

she kissed me, once
and held me close
she did not say a word
another day
she did much more
but did not make a sound

now she draws away from me
the distant sun
setting silently

and I,
as ever,
make all the noise

a voice
wailing in the desert

Now I am Rachel
and my punishment has come
but I ache and i ache
and i ache
and i ache
and I want you

and i want you
or i don't want you
i don#t want you

this drink is saving me
this philtre will take me out of this enclosed space
and put me back on the mountain

i want to be on top of you in the mountain mist

i wan t to be waking holding on to you

and i don#t ache for you
i dont want you
and this drink is saving me

but sometimes the lights go on
i have to sleep through the day
and wait for them to fade again
before i can take my place back in the heavens
i am a star

fuck me if i wasnt so beleaguered
i wrote about you
below you
beneath you
i cradled your head
and supportedyour broken neck
so you never knoew it was broken
and you will never know what is broken
and i would never know what was broken
if i never ached
and ic ould never fix a thing
if i never ached
but the truth is
i never fixed a thing
i never wanted to
Friday I sat across from Claudine and stared
concentrating hard to see if I could abolish her hold on me
her beauty
but i went home in love a little sad
a little tinge of suicide
the usual kind
that never ends in tears
Saturday I went to the Zoo
and i saw the gorillas
and the fire eaters
and a friend tried to set me up with her sister
but I was not drunk enough to want to kiss her
and then I was carried home
and woke up alone
on the couch in her living room
so I left and it was Sunday
and then I was on the road and in Wales
before I could take my breath
I was drunk again
and full of smiles
dancing like a fool
and then i was at a wedding
and then I was on the floor of a hotel room
and then i was in a car on the back seat
and then i was on a football pitch
on monday tuesday evening
scoring the greatest goal the players had ever seen
and then i was asleep
and then i was awake today
and in an office
that no longer held Claudine
and her substitute was tormenting me
and i had a song in my head
it was
i want to do so much to the world
before im dead
what a child I become
because you were child like
I threw my strength away
which shows
I had no strength
I am weak for you
but it does not matter
you are no substitute for the woman I want
and maybe Tanya too
is no substitute for the woman I want
because the woman I want is God

you have longed for me
and ached for me
and finally you asked me
to love you
I said no
but you did not stop
then I saw you in a second light
my diversion
my second path
but you are no substitute
you will not be the second choice
and you are right
you are just to cross your arms and say
"I am not what you want"

but you should be careful love
because this is where the trouble starts
do not tell me that I cannot have you
this is the one thing guaranteed to
make me want

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A man is only truly broken
if he keeps his cuts and fractures truly hidden

here I am
inventing ever more dazzling cocktails
at the peak of my health
at the budding of my career
with all the world to meet
everything is fine
everything is going to be okay

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Tanya I just don't think it's fair or appropriate
that I should be in love with you
day after day after day
so I made a decision today
to go after the girl with the body and the laughter and deep brown eyes
in the hope that maybe her renowned beauty might reconquer me

but actually
you have a whole different place in me
not even my heart
but somewhere more vital
you do not have any idea
and nor do I
just how precious you are to me
it scares the shit out of me
when sometimes I catch a hint of it

Like now
sitting here smoking and drinking
you,
your eyes and your laugh
which do not belong to me
they eclipse everything else without contest
without question
you are the tyrant of my soul

I want you Tanya
and I will not have you
this the terror that keeps me
sick
You don't speak of her
you understand?

You don't mention her name.

You don't talk to me about her,
You don't ask after her,
You don't reminisce.

She is the seeping wound of this office
she is the vast empire in the East
that we abandoned
when I lost control
we hear no news
no messengers are sent to tell us of the chaos
rumours abound
but we do not whisper in these corridors
we do not write them down
she is a closed and kept secret
the doors to her are sealed
we do not talk of her
you do not speak of her
you understand?

It would break my heart.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

waterloo sunset playing to my inner ear
skull bone coming away with vibrations
flashing lights in the living room
the scent of summer blowing through my clothes
scraping along the floor a tongue on my neck
lips on my shoulder blades
teeth gritted I let out a manic little laugh
bass notes threading through my bones
a naked throng in ecstasy over an old song
i pushed to the window face to face with the soil of
a window box
i cry one tear
look my first tear
and try to get my whole body out the window
"i want it down there" i explain
"i want my body smashed down there"
but hands pulling me back
the music stops
and then the couch

and then quiet
dark
a whistling in my ears

nothing but a whistling in my ears
Kate came round to drop off the scrapbook that she made for me
on my 21st birthday
inside on every page
pictures of us with our friends
and messages of her undying love for me
the look in her eyes as she placed it in my hands
hurt

sitting on the balcony as the sun set
Kate asks
"have you been seeing anyone?"
this the question she always asks
so nervously and timid
the tremble of her once so confident and familiar voice
hurt

later Kate says to me as I walk her home
"I'm still in love with you"
and she looks to me to see,
as she always does,
if I will say the same
but I cannot say I love her
and I do not say I love her
"give it time" I say
and hate myself

in that sun which catches her so well
I am astounded by her beauty
and wonder how I ever ended up with such a pretty girl
and ever more amazed that here I am once again
casting her away
why do I no longer want this woman?
I ache to protect her
to stop her hurt
I long to tell her what she wants to hear
to say I want to get back together
to say there is a future and those many years were not
a waste
I ache to say this
to make her happy
but the truth is
It is over between us
and I cannot save her

It seems so unjust that I should waste her like this
or that I should move on so quickly
to other women and other pains
but she stands loyal to our time and intimacy
aching in the same old way
for the same old love
that I now feel I have betrayed

Sick of the hurt
wish I could rescue her
or that I could love her the way she dreams
sick of the good suffering for pointless love
hungry for her healing
and my healing
something blessed must someday come
surely someday
something blessed must come
I am not living victoriously
when I was dreamt up
I was Alexander the pre-Great
but do you know who I became?

I became Terminal Moraine
I became Semi-Detached

these names I used to perform in public
in secret from all who knew me
to conduct vile rituals of mortification and resurrection
to fuck and be fucked
and I sang too
drunk

so I looked for a long time at Tanya as she talked
the wind blowing her Egyptian hair in such simplesatisfying ways
the wasp intent on getting in there ahead of me
and I felt the nausea return
I felt the sickness of existing and my skin began to crawl once more
this woman, just a woman, just blood and thoughts and all of us
a flash in the sky of an old raging storm
but nothing more
I have to travel

I have to travel
in the new year I have to go to Sierra Leone
not to find myself
there is no such thing
but to lose myself
to lose the constructs I put in the way of simplicity
to lose those lies I told myself to keep me safe
and dishonest and happy

I have to go and confront a war
I have to go and confront atrocity
I have to know how empty and fragile this life is
I have to see the timid force that keeps bones and sinew together
I have to see it undone
and I have to stop being so intent on finding meaning

I have to learn to embrace even more women
to take even more naked bodies in my arms and whisper more honestly
I have to go somewhere where there is a summer and strong sun
I have to go somewhere I can breathe
I have to go somewhere else
anywhere but here
and I am taking my brother
who having returned from India
needs to leave immediately

I am not in love with anybody
I am at war
It has to be pointed out
that the Blood Mary
is the vilest of the cocktail fraternity
and should be roundly rejected
by all hard drinking existentialist
guitar toting self-indulgent heart-broken
quasi-religious semi-detached huge penised
small minded low latent inhibited genius
cretinous witty shallow philosophical unpoetical
flesh-fucking rain loving tear dwelling god fearing
terror farming saintly soulful bachelors such as
myself

it has to be pointed out
that Tabasco sauce is not the fifth essence
if anything is the quintessence
it is the scent of a woman's skin
A Woman's skin
Tanya's skin

If I was a god
and once I thought I might be
I would build my world around this

Friday, July 20, 2007

Tanya
just looking at you as you talk
I want you so much
but I already came to terms with this months ago
so I look at you too with resignation
and sweet adoration
the woman too good for any man
god I love you too much
not enough
Honey here I am again,
looking after you,
protecting you,
knowing your life could be better
but saving your life as you would like it
hungering for your touch
seeing in your eyes your desire to love me
but
letting you go
letting you go again and again and again
I have become a master of letting you go love,
the greatest thing the world could ever offer
and I have learnt to give it up
over and over again

I have so many other offers
such a beautiful woman aches to have me as her own
but I cannot allow it
cannot let it happen
because I love you
I love you, you who I cannot have

I do not care

I do love you,
perhaps too much,
but fuck
I do love you so much
I see all women as a mere tribute to you
You
the beautiful
the gone
the woman smiling here before me
as I ask after her boyfriend

Love me
no?
then just keep seeing me like this
This is enough
to keep me breathing
fuck all the others
i need no lover
just your time
once in a while

how pathetic

I Love You

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Suicide is no good
suicide is shit
not worth a first
never mind a second
thought

what we need is a reset button

what I need is your money, and your naked flesh,
and your tears
only then can we begin to work out what is broken
and what is meant to be torn
stop talking
i need to kiss you

stop procrastinating
i need to relieve you

stop stopping
i am a revolution

I am a Revolution
I have come to make you come
that you may exercise these demons
that Mr Kellogg may go fuck himself
that the office may become a cathedral of colour and the 8th dimension
that you, love,
will learn the Higher Truth
through the touching of your soul

I Touch Souls when i fuck
it was a trick i learnt when i became immortal
when i inverted suicide
and ended up a minor god
a whisperer in the wings
putting Hamlet off his lines
making him laugh
filling his pants with a raging lust
that's my job love,
I'm not a mere Scoundrel
I am the most acute instance of HONESTY you have ever known.
Tonight,
to celebrate right recognition of a righteous right un,
I will bring nearer to completion
Songs From A One Night Stand

I may record the entire thing drunk and naked in the hope the shamelessness feeds into the music
How is it sensible for you to email me all day, asking for career advice?
How is it sensible that I am moving mountains to ensure you come to work with me?
How is it sensible that we arrange to meet up again for a drink, "IN THAT SAME SAD BAR"?

It isn't sensible, but wanting you this much never was.
I am still drawn to flesh like a sex-starved teenager
but these last couple of months
the only body I could bear to touch
was yours

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

i tended flocks
filaments of light
explosions from the underground
terror formed beneath terra forms run terror terra born
babies
I smile at my funny little sheep

and if you do not understand
you stand to lose
what you've got to know is
it was never the words we used
it was the armies we positioned behind the scenes
it was never the vocabulary
it was the arsenal

I want you to know
that I loved your body
that my body loved your body
and my mind loved your body
that if there are hearts which men like me can claim
then my heart too
adored your body

I want you to know that I cried on your body
I wept on your body
I lived and died beside the epic honesty of your outrageous body
I was born for your body
I was martyred for your body
I could not have loved just any body

I want you to know
I never found a way to kiss your mind or soul
but through the overwhelming conquest of your generous body
I want you to know what you do not know
It could not have been just any body

You
were the loved
lover

I want you to know that it was never the art of our words
it was the hand on heart
the hand on small of my back
and your back
your breath soft breeze upon my chest
my hands the tireless tide of a restless ocean
our bodies, love,
our bodies
the timid prayers of true devotion

Monday, July 16, 2007

look to the left
look to the corner
King David is downing a whisky and coke
King David is playing air-guitar
it's been such a long long time
since that golden harp, hey Dave?


that's no warning light
the flush of red that shows us his eyes
it's just another cheap rigged disco
for another cheap disco night
nobody can dance quite like David
David who was a king
the DJ plays Prince

look to the bed
look through the shadow
there is David sleeping
perhaps dreaming of the old days
uniting Judah and Israel
escaping Saul's spear
shame he didn't take off his clothes
before he crashed there,
undignified like that

"remember when we were lovers?"
David says
to his god
"do you remember when we were man and woman?
I was your bride
your church
your son
I was crying song for you my Lord
I was breaking hearts for you Oh Israel
remember honey, when I saw your young body
and I had to play that music right there
turn those thighs into strings and those breasts into hallelujahs and hosannas
so long ago! so long ago!
the dusty path from Jerusalem
lead me so far away
that I became every other man
dropped out of some cheap hotel bible
like a creased page from a soiled wank rag
dropped right into this nightclub
in London

look left
look to the corner
King David is still drinking whisky and coke
it seems he hasn't moved at all
it's the drink that makes him King
it's the drink that keeps him dreaming - still playing
harp

sad bastard
this became the only place my words meant anything
the only gap in the day when I knew exactly what to say
the only slight likeness of truth
in a dark dark room
whisky on lips
I was almost honest about you


some times I kid myself into being real
riding the tube train
reading about changing faces and crashing planes
I kid myself into being another guy
in his mid twenties
waiting for the next chance to speak
but I never have anything real to say

Tanya fades in and out now
sometimes so lightly I can't imagine it was me
that made such heavy work of longing,
sometimes she isn't on my mind
so these days,
like all days,
the world goes on
and everything changes and stays the same

I was better when I was sixteen
I was better when I sang with a real heart
I was better when I feared god
I was better when I first fell in love
I was better when I sang Famous Blue Raincoat the sixth time
I was better wearing a suit
I was better in Peel Park, where I met with heaven, and the woman I loved stood beside me on the battered old bandstand as the golden summer sun moved out of view,
as my fingers traced the words in French I had scratched with slate,
as we sang a Charles Trenet song
and my heart was countless pieces of shattered pirouetting mirror blinding as it caught the thick dusk light,
when my heart was so young that I could almost pull off such poetic drivel
before I became a man
before I walked to a dark and cold church in the freezing fog of York's Winter streets
in the year two-thousand,
the year I lost so much
and everyone called it gain

Sunday, July 15, 2007

my body made it
back from the rain drenched pity of Sloane Avenue
the fading golden skin of a thousand pretty women
being beautiful for France in South Kensington
my body made it back

back from the heat of the Chelsea garden
where I was overcome by hunger
and history
and the restlessness of doing nothing about the restlessness of doing nothing
back from the mould that crept over the coffee cups
abandoned in our abandoned kitchen in our broken home in our broken life
back from the walk in the sunset
and my perfect kisses
and your perfect tongue
and the heart breaking peals of the bells of Blackheath

back from Northern Ireland
and the room filled with wine
where I had her in the shower
and she had something else in mind
back from the parks of Belfast
where we felt the same as ever
two aching children paused
until the start of something better

back from Wales
from the streams of my baptism
where my fires were a marvel
and my songs were keen and honest
back from the damp of my nostalgic foot rot
the decay of my holy Dylan impression
my transition from King David to King Cohen
and the pink lightning that lit up the sky
over two Christian soldiers
from Nottingham

back from university
back from school
back from the heat of that draining nightclub
back from the Winter of "I have no soul"
back from the Summer that still pours with rain
back from the gym where I failed again
back from the office where I fucked ourselves up
back from the bridge where you asked me to jump
back from the birth and the blood and the lust
back from Bradford and the hills and the dust
back from the silence and the sleep and the pain
back from the rift between heaven and hell
a thousand hosannas and a thousand more fucks
a tireless tennis between infinite gods
I stride out of my bedroom and into the rain
"listen, my friends, I have something to say.

My mind, it was broken and now it is lost,
but my body survived, it is back from the brink,
let no fucker stand in my way."

Friday, July 13, 2007

Here I am
quietly getting over you
what is it? 12 months since we first met?
7 months since you fell for me
4 months since I lost all control
1 month since I started to move on
well,
here I am
quietly trying to forget you

but photographs come to me
you are still around
then all the details of your beauty and the cutting hunger
strike me down
oh fuck,
when will I not want you?

London keeps me from being sober
keeps me safe and stocked with friends
but it still feels cosmetic, broken lover,
it still feels too much

Saturday, July 07, 2007

You took her
you stole her
you kept her for yourself
in dark rooms
in dark cities
you became her only one

you took the best one
you took the best one
you took the best creature any of us ever saw
you took her delicate hands in your hands
you led her to your bedroom
you stole her from us all
you stole her from me

we can hear you
we can hear you speaking dirty
we can hear you making all your filthy promises
you took her
our unblemished virgin lie
and you fucked her over and over again

you stole her
you took her tears
you were then when she shook in fear
you were then when she was happy not to be alone
you were then when she was happy
you made her happy
you made it
you took the best girl
the greatest woman we had ever seen
you have her
until she dies
you have her for your whole life

we are broken
i am broken
we are mourning in the wings
you took her
and we are watching
pathetic broken little things
smaller men
violent men
I will hurt you
if you put a single foot wrong

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The most unattractive thing a woman can do
in my eyes
is reciprocate

this is why I need to be slapped hard

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Now look
you better keep quiet
stay back in the shadows
and do not speak

Your eyes do not tell us anything at all





i wonder how many people threw themselves from this bridge




There is not enough air to breathe




Your job is literally killing you




and then when you danced with her
you took it to heart
O Hungry Heart
i beg of thee
get shitfaced on vodka
and take any girl home
fuck her till you can't remember
the name of the woman you love too much



i left a woman waiting by the tables
she passed with distinction at the Courtauld Institute of Fine Arts
she became a curator of a national gallery
i left her mid-sentence
to fall apart alone

this place should echo
but it does not



your words are inadequate
I do not call it music



you're thrown around the underground
from desk to bar you knock around
and drink your weight
and make work late
and take on more
just to save face



"I am the last President of the People's Republic"

Tanya
I am more noble than I seem
stronger,
sweeter,
less dramatic
I just want to be happy
and to break everything open
to see inside

I still wonder,
if I'd tried,
could I have broken you?

I broke instead



"so fuck you too"



fuck everything



you only sing when you're winning
or when it's raining
and lord knows
as she walked past in the short skirt
and brief breath
you could not have been more
driven




the fog
last year
was something quite peculiar


this town
last century
was something quite familiar


so I drank my self into a stupor
danced with many girls
i never learnt their names
but i learnt to navigate their bodies
most professionally


how long will it take you to get over it?
you'll never be that Holy Poet
you'll never be Leonard Cohen


and in the garden I begged for temptation to come
but no tempter came
I was alone in Norwich
surrounded by generosity and love
i turned my back on everything
to make it Eden


and she had more soul than me
and has more soul than me
as hungry as a child
and I did wipe her tears
but now I cause them

she is not a ghost
she is in pain

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Sierra Leone
I am coming
I want to arrive at night
terrified by the ordeal of flight
of which I have never been terrified
I want to set down on bumpy ground
and lose my luggage
I want to be tired and hungry in the dark
queueing up for the crowded ferry which makes its hazardous
unlit way from Lungi to Freetown
I want to look frightened and weak
in the eyes of former child soldiers and farm labourers
and college students
then break the day upon me
swelter my inappropriately clothed body with your humidity
let me catch the wrong ideas and the wrong foods and pay the wrong prices
put a virus in my belly
put a fever on my brow
let me stumble hurt and homesick
among the dusty hostile streets
searching for a way to contact the High Commission
let me be battered and bruised by opportunist robbers
let me lose my currency and have my passport stolen
let me find my hotel room double booked
and crawling with cockroaches rats and mosquitoes
so loose with their promise of malaria
demolish my comfort and send me into blind panic
fill my head with a thousand misconceptions
let me dream the heart of darkness
and have me wake up
my sight restored
in the hands of a sweet Salone nurse
her smile the pure curve of humanities time line
from perfection to death to resurrection
her eyes the kindness of the rising morning African sun
let me send a message home
"I am fine, the weather is lovely"
and then,
after all this,
let me somehow be able to say
happy birthday to myself,
and once and for all,
I am over Her.
I want you too much Tanya
I'm sorry
I have tried to get past it
perhaps not enough
I'm no longer sure what I'm capable of

I want you too much Tanya
I keep having to leave work
take time out just to clear my head
but it never leaves
Every day and night, still,
I long for you
whether put in words or left as tremors
ever weeping from my burning chest


I want you too much Tanya
and I don't know how to express it
I hate myself for feeling it
I hate myself for not being your man
and sometimes I hate you for being too beautiful

I want you too much Tanya
it has ruined my victory
I had been liberated and was triumphant
I was making paths
but everything was derailed by the way you moved your body
and the way you made me laugh
and your eating in the kitchen and your whistling karaoke
and your hugs and parting kisses and your deeply hidden sadness
even though,
I know,
we would make a terrible couple

We could be brother and sister
you once said drunkenly
at 3am leaving a club
said to devastate my hope
but I already knew there was no hope
but we could not be brother and sister
we are surely so unalike
for instance
I fall apart in longing for you
but you just live your life
I had my fourth dream about her last night.
I thought that maybe, having not seen her for over two weeks, and so sure now of never having her, the time had come for this to end. This has been going on for over 11 months.
But yesterday, as I travelled back from the gym, crammed in on a Northern Line tube train, I saw her in my carriage.
She was sitting there, as though she was just another human being in London, reading the London Lite, as though she had the same kind of eyes and interests as ordinary human beings.
It made me feel sick to be so close again, and so full of want. I was shocked how much the sight of her made me hunger again. Will it never leave?
I didn't approach her or speak to her. I knew that anything I said would be soaked in the despair and resignation of my abandoned mission - my attempt to have her heart. I knew it could only disappoint me.
There is nothing quite so soul-destroying as small talk with one you have the grandest over-egged sentiments for.
I hid until she left the train.

And so my dream, even more ridiculous than the last, picked up this hunger for this woman and chose to torture me again.
She came to me, she was three times the size. She had been eating excessively, she said, but she didn't care. Her boyfriend had left her, proving he only loved her for her perfect magazine body. I hugged her, smelled that perfume, soft skin, the woman's arms I longed for and I exploded again inside my chest. Dynamite.
She knew I wanted her, whatever happened to her now, and yet still she left a distance in.
That same old distance she would leave in nightclubs, or on walks home, or when I made her laugh so much she cried, or when she cried, or when she looked at me across a crowded bar to watch me when she though I could not see her.
Agony, absurd agony.
I woke up with the faintest taste of her again, a momentary belief that I had been with her and maybe she was in my life. Maybe my one great hope had been realised. Fuck.

I am not in control.

Monday, June 25, 2007

God I'll never get past this
the 2007 adventure that took me by surprise
the unexpected opening of the gates of heaven and the gates of hell
the sun eclipsed by the most mundane of
glories
a winter woman walking on vodka and ice

god I break apart tonight for one more time
the whisky burns the parts of my throat from where I used to throw sounds
sounds that put ideas in Her mind
sounds that put songs in Her heart
sounds that died then echoed
once or twice in my sad summer dreams

god I break my wrists and ankles again
become the crippled athlete of longing
blind beggar shouting bitter commands to kings and queens
they'll never see the things I see
god I call you out I call you down
COME SAVE ME NOW

never gonna happen kid

I have the power of electric guitars now and then
I link my veins up to the mains supply and bleed across a London hall
when people applaud I crack a joke and smile
and my partner he smiles too
but I hate the mockery the once-meant music becomes
and he always smiles
even when he confirms my suspicion
no woman has ever been god

I tear at my flesh
tear at my sackcloth
this my challenge to the world
I run again to the heath in thunder storm
and defy heaven just begging in the driving rain
to be struck dumb with awe or
correction

some woman come nurse me
I whisper as the drink slurs my mind
some woman come be naked for me again
but the women that came could never be naked in the right ways
could never know the heartlessness of a breaking heart
I sent them away
I put it all outside to the cold

let the grey skies of England's summer come at me again
fall on me now
close me down
suffocate me as you have done for two decades now
come rid the sun and hunger and love from my heart
take the song of power and longing from my lips
take the charm from my eyes
take the wit from my words
leave me sombre and fallow
like the miserable fucking rain soaked moors under dismal Yorkshire skies
that I have loved too much
I warned this would happen
I felt it stir in the pit of my gut
and now it is here
my resentment turned anger against you
war
I want war

I want to rage against you
press you down
tear down your idols burn your casual pleasures
devastate your career undo your family ties
break your heart
demolish you

No,
I don't war
I want victory
without contest

you gave me defeat without contest
this is not acceptable
your reparations are too high
I'm sending my troops to the Rhineland
you big French tiger president
I think I'm going to fuck you up

not a chance

I love you more than I love myself
I watch your tube train pull away
see you move a strand of hair across your sun kissed cheek
and I am astounded you are real
still not a dream
you live free external to me
and so beautiful for it

so much more than I could hope for
so I do not hope

Friday, June 22, 2007

the girl has sent me down too far
too far
I only want her
sicken my own blood with this wasted love
so I stepped out to the drab supermarket
put my hands on a bottle of rum
and a bottle of whisky
and a bottle of wine
and a bottle of gin
and I noticed bitterly as I stood at the till
that Thierry Henry will leave for Barcelona
all that was magical is fleeing

and then my ex called me
as I was intent on demolishing my mind
asking me to help choose a bar for her party
clearly missing that companionship and help
I gave for so long

she rescued the night
with her dependence
and took away my own
less human kind

but I am still sick
both physical and spiritual
the realms are spoiled
friends eyes turn away
gasps and then silence

in the night I can hear running footsteps
so many fleeing me

no longer wanting my ex
but wanting another
I cannot also leave

"it all comes away
in the end"

I was a prophet
Two nights ago I had my third dream about you
You stepped out of the queue for that infernal club
to tell me you were in a love with a woman
"Are you going through a lesbian phase?" I asked
"Yes" you replied, full of excited hope

I was nearly sick on your shoes

Then I saw her behind you
a manly woman by all accounts
the look in your eyes said that she was more man than me
man enough to satisfy you
I began to tear at my chest
bleeding I appalled the onlookers
all women now lesbian lovers

I woke up drenched in sweat
and immediately had to laugh

Quite clearly
My mind is daft


Nevertheless
I will now grow breasts

Thursday, June 21, 2007

if it is not going to touch your world
it must not be allowed to rule mine
if it is not going enter your head
it must not own mine
if it will never make you smile or cry
it should never make me ache and lie awake each night
this pointless love of mine
that sends me bitter

I don't want to see anyone else
I don't want to have to deal with my job or my other incidental projects
I want all the things I cannot have
or am not willing to attempt to gain

in lieu of having what I want
I must learn not to want
or to want what I have
how can there be any hope of this?

I've fucked or loved so many wrong women in this part of London
that I can no longer go out here any more
I never did any wrong
I just did so many

You could make me happy
and because you don't
I am miserable

I want to feel your skin again
your lips
you last kissed me two weeks ago
NOT ENOUGH
NOT ENOUGH
NOT ENOUGH

Monday, June 18, 2007

Lover
two nights I spent
losing my mind

I did not lose enough

You stay with me

Saturday, June 16, 2007

I want murder
I want death
I want your bloodied neck
severed
lying on my dinner plate

what?
you thought I was a humanist
or worse
a man of peace?

fuck that
I'm a god

I want you to learn the truth
and what I would like to do
is take something life Facebook
and massacre the eager viewers
let them see the split skulls of Sierra Leone
take your lighthearted showing-off and shove it up the hole in your learning

you fucking ignorant pricks
don't come to me
with your poor humour
and shitty lines
If I had my way you wouldn't walk the same streets


and then later,
in the evening,
Emma pours a glass of milk
we can hear crickets singing
she nurses me
I think of Her

You never,
ever,
know the man
you think you know.

You may come to me and joke
when you have killed a man
and loved it.
two girls hanging on
yanking the rope make it end now
a French girl
a Spanish girl
the English girl looks on

they kiss me
I push them away
they have boyfriends

the English girl takes a photograph
when I see my picture I am amazed a woman could be attracted to me
so cumbersome and ungainly
still
they come so willing
these two

but Tanya,
these friends of ours,
though I love them in their many corrupted ways
they don't mean an inch to me
when measured up
against you

no matter what cocktails I drink
(most often the Mojito)
no matter what women press their lips against my reluctant cheek
I want only you

such an ugly fucker like me
no matter what charm I seem to accidentally spread
such an ugly cumbersome fucker like me
can never get a girl like you
Even When I Had You

Which I did

But then earlier this year
I was not so ugly
and nobody dared to take my picture

I need you Tanya,
but I'm never going to get you.








This I do know.



Drunk again,
loved and hurt again.




I hate this.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I wrote the letter
I wrote it and wrote it again
I rewrote the letter
still it would not fall for me
gracefully
I am let down by my own words
my own mind
I cannot transform these thoughts and feelings into
regimented strokes of ink between
orderly honest lines

so I fail even at this
blowing the whole show open
finally putting an end to it
fucking myself

I'll try again to write the letter
and when you get back from Africa
you will have it waiting for you
then I'll play havoc on my friends
or disappear altogether

I went running again this evening
my bones and muscles still aching
my feet bleeding
it still makes more sense than any other thing

I was propositioned by a beautiful woman this morning
I told her she didn't love me
she is only 22
that's far too old to be falling in love with anyone

come back to me when you're sixteen and blind
I did not say

As soon as she does not want me
I will get into her
to put a hand on you again
well,
that makes me tremble

lips against your lips
I would be remade in fire
a euphoric exaltation of your little life
your every breath and movement
from child to woman

I don't want to see anything else
I don't want to hear anything else
feel anything else
but you

when you move
many other movements mirror in me
when you smile
I'm half dying, overloaded with ecstasy
and when you looked at me with longing eyes
souls were born within me
and other souls expired
obliterated by a boundless hunger that consumed so much

Do you see how pathetic I've become?

You left me with this appetite
you took yourself away
just as I was opening for you

Sometimes I can't believe in you
you're just too much
and your beauty makes me ill
I bend to catch my breath,
or to throw up

Your skin is pain and absolution
your eyes have introduced a new and terrible power into my life
a power I cannot resist or comprehend
you are an impossible vision
proving your corporeal deception
through the damage of my heart
Oh you're so funny
she said

Yes,
yes I am

now take off your clothes
Grace is aching
the hurt seeps across the sky
bounced off stellar satellites
into my bed
she says
"I feel so unattractive now"

I ache for you

my muscles seized up
my legs went on strike
I had been running too far
too long
too often
I wasn't really getting anywhere

I still love you

Sarah says
how many times have you told somebody that you love them?
how many times have you lost your nerve?

Three times I told them
I never had the nerve to keep it in

But you, Claudine,
you fill me with courage and I become so noble
that I keep it to myself

I want you

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

dear heavenly father
I must confess I've mastered the Moonlight Sonata
and very soon I'll perform tricks of sleight of hand
all of which I shall use to seduce Eve's daughters

But I promise
if you were to deliver Her to my door
I won't devote my time to building Babel anymore

It scares me when I get like this
phantoms become so real

there is a ringing in my ears
the chimes of the bells of Blackheath
is that where you dwell now?

Good night
that shot of you
when you stand there momentarily imbecile
dumbfounded or distracted,
your mouth wide open,
god it's beautiful

you do it when you don't hear the question
"What?" you ask
and your jaw drops
but with your beauty it is nothing worse than comical
and always
adorable

Do you see that I love you?

Talking with your mouth full
no regard for manners
it is not disregard, not at all
you are simply unaware
lost and innocent as you are
subject to the natural graces of your every sacred movement

I would like to wake up next to that in the morning
your confused and dopey expression
I would like to watch you offer toast to your mouth as you talk over
breakfast,
I would like to be the one who loves your quirks and habits

of course everyone loves your quirks and habits
the details of your perfect imperfection
It hurts to know such detail
to record and comprehend it
it hurts to take my place in the gallery of worship
to be another amateur who thinks he alone understands the
author
I am more than this though, aren't I?

I am giving up on these words now
they are letting me down again.

I stand and stare.
Prozac nihilates the sex drive
shuts down the longing

it's hard for me to say if it's a cure
or a mutilation

without passion
I am a vacant lot
what might take its place
is unimaginable

perhaps achievement
money
wisdom

no,
worse than this

the very taste of nightmare

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Can't do it
or won't do it
the difference does not matter

I have not
and will not
get over Her
O lord I can't make it beautiful any more
and I cannot call it pain
I feel dead
I feel like I should be mourning Her
the Woman we adore
but she is not dead
does not feel dead

can't make it beautiful god
cannot
if we dress it up I will only strip it naked once again

what is the function of my desire
how am I to formulate my worship
is it only me who sees the full dimension of heaven in the curvature of her breasts
the holy dimensions in her shorter skirt and Egyptian hair

What about her eyes lord? Have you looked into her eyes?
I could never stand naked before her
never enter her presence
every knee shall bow

Your judgement shall be severe but
you needn't go through all this trouble to have my humiliation and
shame
I am on my knees already, lord
the problem is
I am staring straight at her thighs
they lead me up to heaven on earth

Her cunt is no Jerusalem
perhaps it is the arena for my glorious death
perhaps I will be thrown to the lions there
perhaps I shall be anointed
or bled upon

Do not make a woman into a god
a woman is not a god
but
her beauty
that is god
and in her eyes there is the holiest dimension

she gave me faith
not once,
but many times,
in a dark nightclub at four am
on rainy winter nights
she gave me faith in the office
when the prophets were at their lowest
she gave me faith in my dream last week
and she broke it too,
when I woke up

I have lost my way
I don't even know where this started
I just can't dress this up
this is not beautiful
this is suffering

I am hurt
it's raining on London
it's 11.10 pm
I have just one lone candle
lighting the bed
the windows are open
it has started to rain
but it's warm in this sweet early
June

by this candlelight I get so many ideas of torture
so many ways to break a will
I think to myself
you could be lying right here
my arm around you
or the flickering flame could throw racing shadows
up and down your warm skin
as you fall with me softly
silently
as the rain begins
or you could be here weeping
because your man he aint no good
and I could be wiping tears away
with a calm and holy touch
or you could be standing by the window
looking out toward the trees
your pretty woman's shadow praised upon the lawn
or I could be standing by the window
looking back at you
or on the window ledge
my feet and hands slipping in the wet
daring myself to jump
to command my body whole
straight over heaven's walls

but these fantasies of aching love, of distant touch
and intimate suicides
they are broken records I play too much
that break the needle
cut me up
do no good

Of course I indulge in this
of course


Here is my problem love
I don't want to just sit here and ache
I want to do something
anything
even if it does me in
better to be moving muscle for your Name
than rotting here again
it fills me with rage to know
to see
that others might enjoy your body
and the company of your smile
which undoes my whole woken world
and haunts my many souls

it fills me with terror and disgust
I want to throw up
when I see pictures of you happy with someone else
those you should be with
those who make you happy
but those who are not me

I am forlorn and aching and so very hungry my love
for any kind of touch
to see you in the summer is too much
it was far better in the winter
when the cold and dark contained you
your beauty was easier to swallow
and that was when I had you

In this kind of light
there for all the world to see
How do I stand a chance?
This is what it is:
you are a fucking goddess
and I'm just no prince
you walk around my house naked
but I cannot open my eyes
I know you're here
I can smell your perfume
but can you hear me fall apart?


My pain is lost behind your laughter
and the clapping of many well adjusted men
kneeling at your door
Today I saw a photograph
of you playing cricket in the park
you had turned toward camera
to make a perfect outline of your perfect body
it ran round your devastating breast
past your little wrist which held the bat
along your soft young golden leg
to the end of you
the end of me

Now I cannot go to that park

Sunday, June 10, 2007

I was fond of Leonard Cohen
when it came to fuck
the way he's always looked for "G-d"
in the cunt
the way fucking
to him
was communion and redemption
Babylon and Bethlehem
the purest hosanna
of them all

I was fond because I knew much better
that fucking was all dust and blood and guts
and sticky wasted come

but then
with you I finally understood
and now I too fall happily blinded

your thighs are the desert
where I hear Rachel weeping
the lips of your cunt are the torn temple curtain
and behind
in the inner sanctum waits
all the glory of the Most High

failure to fuck
to put my lips upon your hungry flesh
failure to kiss your neck and chest
it is the abomination that causes desolation
I've lost my mind

I've lost my mind to your body
and your love

now I'm going to take my guitar and a bottle of wine
and head over to the Common
and lie there in the sun
composing amateur song
with amateur touch
for amateur love

Saturday, June 09, 2007

giving up all hope of having you
was meant to be the end of wanting you
but still
all the time
it's just you, on my mind

it goes nowhere for me
it holds me back
you carry on
i keep it to myself
and it stays alive
for no one

this is not an aborted love
it breathes
it goes stale inside me
poisons my blood
in fevered dreams my mind plays tricks
I get to have you
enough to break my heart
when I wake up

This is so hard
and pointless
everything is being ruined
bite the bullet
I am biting the bullet
but it goes on
too long


I almost wish I'd never met you


Not lust
but love
from your body i took hope
aching with you I lived
i long to live again
this appetite is greater than a soul
your tears on my skin
once more
and now my tears
on your skin
and what the sun does to it

memories play quickly in the head
the mystery is met again
I taste you
a little less each time
but I taste you

I hear the hammer strike the bell in
the Strasbourg Notre-Dame
I am in ruins
shivering in the cold
down on my knees
no longer praying or begging
but terrible worship
a worship of fear and grief
so much mourning
in the worship of your body

I come again
impaled on your beauty
this mourning time
next:

eat


next:

wash


next:

work


next:

eat


next:

drink


next:

be strong, whatever happens next
In you came and i was born again
I would have stood up and applauded
bowed
but you wouldn't understand

in you came and sat down beside me
straight into your eyes I dived
god i could cry
green they were and so composed
how the fuck did i never notice those before
you the green eyed Egyptian princess
In the first few minutes of your arrival
i condemned and tortured myself so many times inside
you sent me mad

you were looking at me as you talked i said over and over in my head
trying to put the words in your head via your eyes
"i want you i want you"
i forgot to listen to what you were saying
wanted to say
"sorry, i was distracted by your beautiful eyes"
but i would never be so honest

you'd hate me
i'd hate myself

there is nothing here for you to love
this can only go one way
i am to sit and worship like a worthless shit
abide beside my broken past
remember then
when we danced
and you cried on me
and you wanted me
and you fucking tore me apart?

how distant that all feels
now that you've returned to your senses
and realised
you are beyond the grasp of one like me
i only get you in my dreams

last night i dreamt of you
for the second time
we fucked
but what i remember is how gently i kissed you
you made me lonely
the moment i woke up

i remember saying
none of this can ever come to any good
but knowing meant nothing

i have to get out the country again
i have to go now and take risks
put myself in the face of death
in the hope it brings me to my senses

hurt me
break
what I don't understand is the restraint
the rules are in place
I am more than six thousand years old
I suppose
if you're going to be like that

if you're going to be like this
I want you in a formal manner
I want you to agree
I want a kiss
if you're going to be so clothed
I want your permission
to undress
I want your understanding on this
before I make a move

but I was born just yesterday
so fuck the law
fuck the game
I'll spit and growl and tear skin and cloth
this is not madness
this is lust

I like the idea of destroying things
to make consequences fall from
aborted love
for otherwise
this aborted love
feels pointless and ineffective
but if something breaks then even such weak words as this
have weight

but I am more than six thousand years old
I take a shower and fold my clothes
I will be as weak as the...
no
I've run out of words
every soul wants its audience with god
and with the whole world watching
a courtroom of the earth
convened to hear and observe
the geography of its damaged words
this is why we seek fame
this is why we seek celebrity
this is why so many feel so lonely
except the religious
they are convinced they have the ear of all heaven

but for others
for us
we have the ear of no one
our greatest works are drowned out by the sound of traffic on the high street
we are less eloquent than the advertisements on tv
we are given audience with friends
that we might give them audience back
we are all duped into endless exchange
I will be the wall for your echo
if you will be mine

the monks go to isolation
they imagine that by defying the instinct to hold court
to have the world's watching eye
they are freed

nobody is ever free
unless,
unless you created everything
nobody claims they did
these days

some of us are forced into solitude
temples of reflection
against our will
denied the dream of audience
pushed to the side and tortured by the idea of
being left out
then we think of suicide
then we think of murder
we imagine many ways to make our mark
to get our names in the papers

at 9am the commuters flick through the daily free press
searching for the tv guide
they pass by a small article that mentions some man or woman
found in the river
a jumper
a failure to comply

they should never jump
to find an audience
just run

running is the only answer I can find
to be the snake
to bite the dust beside your glowing feet
it turns me bitter,
Eve
but I can't bring you down
cant turn you now
you are so much stronger

last night I collapsed into sleep
the cigarette smoke in my hair
the glass still in my hand
and for only the second time
I dreamt of you
such a dream

so untrue
but felt so real
I had you naked for me
I could feel every grace of flesh
every sparking nerve
every hair that brushed across my body
so real it hurts
but the heart breaker
was the way we kissed
I thought "this must be real"
because no mind can create something so
mind blowing as this

then I woke up

I woke up and had to face the aftermath
of longing for so many months
becoming so wretched that I cling to dreams
and the dreams cut and tear
I end up shaking in anger and hunger
still a child
I would stamp my feet
how can I want this so much
and not have it?
Something or somebody must break
it was me

I wanted to hate you
be the snake in the dust
and bite your ankle
but I loved you
longed to be made man
longed to stand tall with strong spine
and hold you
so instead I hate myself
if dying meant anything at all
perhaps I would
for you

It means nothing
I am as empty as the wind
you sank a noble ship

if dying meant anything at all
I would have you kill me

I can't see the point to my life beyond you
so sad to be so shallow
but there it is
and now you're gone

I may as well give up

I got my powers back
I have so many girls to fuck
I fuck in hunger for you
but it's so desperate
they are never you
I will never have you
I want to die or kill

I do not understand the terms I use

I wish you well
I wish so many things
I just have nothing
nothing
i have never felt such humiliation

here I stand, embarrassed before no one.

"How are you?"
you ask

I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
When I look at you I notice the green of your eyes
never noticed it before
distracts me from what you're saying
makes gaps in the conversation
when I have to recover words
and have to pretend to have been listening
and you wonder what is going on
and I notice your breasts
perfect shape and the mole on the right hand side
I cry a fucking wail inside
I just want to put my lips right there
and I need to know
I NEED TO FUCKING KNOW
just how your nipples look

I need to see you naked

I am a wreck
I don't perform
I never will
only for the girls I'm not so keen on
will I be that precise and clinical
with you
I am just in agony
always agony
I am staring in your eyes right now
as you talk
all I am thinking is
I want you
I hate you
I want you

I don't lust after you
I don't hunger for you in a way that asks to have you

I hunger for you like this:
I look at you like a photograph of some beauty long since passed
and I say
"I'll never see the like of her again, if only I could go back. My chance has passed."

With you my chance has passed
and you moved on
so too did the world
but not me
not fucking me
no woman comes close
even though I already know you are nothing special
no woman comes close

"How are you?"
you ask

well, when you walked in


I exploded many times inside
and as I sat beside you
secretly bitin my knuckle
and screaming quietly
I longed to jump through the glass
and land head first
on the Embankment street

How am I?


You have no fucking idea.

I embarrass myself
see myself in the mirror and think
"Grow the fuck up"
but it doesn't happen

when I return to my seat you are still too beautiful
and I wish for all the world
It did not hurt


Tanya,
you are too kind to ever understand.

I want to kill and be killed.
I cannot deal with this love.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Tanya,
do you have to be so relentlessly gorgeous in every way?

I don't think anyone has done more to mess up my plans.

It's not really fair is it?

I find you amazing. It's become such a problem.

I can't get over you.
Grace
I stopped fucking arond
I gave you a choice
and you begged for me

So hear the yes
and take it now

honey you are my last defence against
Claudine

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

This is the Cold War
I won't make a move
I'll just send troops to the border
send them on manoeuvres
so you can watch and wonder
"what would it feel like to go to war?"

press the button
or surrender
this is a battle of wills
this is a zero sum game
game theory dictates
that you are my game
and I have much better form this season

I am a tiger on your back

Lie down

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I haven't seen her
for so long
four weeks and eight days,
to be precise

I have been disciplined in cutting ties
in trying to move on
get over it
find others to wrestle with

but now it seems I will see her soon

you don't understand
just seeing her is going to fuck me up
it always makes me angry these days
such a rage

I start fights

but I have this bitter feeling
a sick foreknowledge
more than a sneaking suspicion
more like a weary familiarity with a petty Fate
a feeling that somehow it won't happen

it would be for the best

already I can't stop my head from running away
with ideas of perfect words
and clinical gestures
the kind that devastated others
but left me in love with her
for nothing
already blind hopes rise to steal intentions
and behaviours
tediously expecting beyond all reason
that this time she will relent

but the worst thing of all
would be if she let slip
another note of longing
just another hint of wanting
would start it all again

Grace can't come soon enough
but she is so relentlessly unobtainable these days
I will have to force the issue
and have victory with her
because Claudine,
Claudine is the one battle
I cannot win

it has always been about
her sweet surrender
One week I am footballing magic,
the next week I am lame donkey.
So goes life
but not for me,
not anymore,
this is just the kind of thing I won't be standing for.
Victory is total.

Monday, June 04, 2007

I want to do this well so,
I'll do it well

having the power returned
there is now the need to demonstrate

the people need to see a sign
fuck that
I'll give them something they can put their hands on
ears to

I do not need to be baptised again
until the final baptism
the final baptism will be
a golden shower
the piss from heaven's sewers
it will catch the light
refracting rainbows left and right
and when it hits my dusty skin
it will be like snow
the final baptism will be the crowning glory
of all that it is base and beautiful

Sunday, June 03, 2007

he's not real
I don't fucking believe it
he's not real
I don't believe in myself

it's five am
that's real enough

out there in London
with a couple I've known for over seven years
when he steps out
she puts her hand on my crotch
propositions me
tells me she loves me
and my head caves in

why is she doing this?
she loves him
she must see that I love him too
and she wants to get nearer to him
things aren't working
she wants to be his friend
and not his lover
I push her hand away
but I try not to upset her

Oh,
and,
go fuck yourself Grace and Claudine,
you're wasting my precious time

enough

Friday, June 01, 2007

I hate emails
I hate texts

It was once said I was going to be a novelist, then a journalist, then a poet, but eventually I wound up an expert in conflict and security. More than anyone is allowed to legally know.

So my writing skills are shit, through years of malpractice. I can, believe it or not, kill someone with a hug. Useful.

Even so, in the year of 2007, I lost my professionalism and become irrepressible. I pursue women when I should not. Who are you to say I should not? I'll tell you who you are - you are a very very valuable person. Everyone who comes here is. It's not just that you matter, or that you have a right to life and equality - it's that you're beautiful. I doubt you realise it though.

Anyway, sometimes I'm stuck with written words, though I was trained for secrecy and movement. With Grace I did this:

Me: Hey. I'm drunk and it's only 7.30. I win.

Grace: I'm getting there.

Me: Good work. First one to lose consciousness wins.

Grace: I'm so drunk!

Me: Then you're in my club. Actually, you were always in my club.

Grace: Club? What?

Me: My drunk club. You owe me a fee.

Grace: Oh. What's the fee?

Me: You can't afford it. I'm repossessing you. You belong to me now Grace. How does that make you feel?

Grace: I feel like that's the best message ever.




And so you see, I win.


I don't really. But then again, if you met this girl, you'd know I do really.
heart break heart break
you need to know it
not till you're bent double mixing tears and drinks
bleeding honey
bleeding all over broken glass and photographs
not till you feel
thoroughly fucked
can you say
"hear my broken heart"

your broken heart would make the sound of
the creaking see-saw of
Peel Park
you break my heart
but I forgive you

that's a lie

you don't break my heart
I do

that's a lie

I don't forgive you

you break my heart
I let you
I break my heart
I have to
it isn't real
it isn't real loss
I won't tear my clothes
I won't bare my soul
it isn't real pain

that's a lie

you don't break my heart
I don't forgive you

you have everything you need

that's a dangerous little lie

You want me
you don't want me
you don't know what you want
I know what you need
I don't know where to start
nothing started
I need a finish

that's true

When i see the picture of you
or they say your name
there is no man or power
i will not break down
to get to you
i am so weak and animal
when my blood rises
when my heart beats faster
when my breath freezes in my lungs
because you just walked in the room

when i am fully on the game
in a rare moment bordering something neighbouring intelligence
i see the whole truth
and know I must get over you

when I have six or seven drinks
i see that truth for the lie it is
my suppressed heart breaks out in floods of aching words
i become readied for the martyr's hymn
i sing it with full breath
i'm coming for her
i'm coming for her
i tell myself

in the end,
i always end up sober

The strange thing is
if i spent more time drunk
i would get much more done

but i don't need alcohol to come to my senses anymore
i just need a little more anguish

anguish makes the world go round

i'm
coming for you
i'm coming for you this time

Thursday, May 31, 2007

in the office my head slumps
sarah walks over
hands on my shoulders
ease the pain please

i write an email
tell my stalker to fuck off
except I don't write fuck off
i let her know what a great lover she was
but that i'm shallow now
i want more than a body
i'm so shallow i want love
Claudine's
i'm full of shit

sarah is sweet
they're all sweet
i won't hurt Sarah
I tell myself

in the afternoon i walk to the station
ready to play football and demonstrate my supreme skills
when I bump into my past love
her sad eyes still so sad
she carries around the same majestic misery
that old familiar worn out beauty
she says
"come here" and hugs me
she is consoling me
because the sister of my mother is dying
just as my mother died

my ex stood next to me at the funeral
she held my hand
a simple thing
a hard thing
I will never forget what she did for me

she drops the bomb
"I'm ill"
she says
they're running tests
she hides it from me still
won't say what it is
but this goes way beyond prozac and
not moving on
she won't tell me,
thinking i am lost in grief and couldn't cope
even now
after all these years
she hasn't learnt how shallow I am

after football
where i put on a blinding display of magical trickery
i return home on the underground
and feel so empty
this is nothing new
and I am happy
but god knows I want to be
filled to overflowing

Claudine vs Grief
Claudine vs Sarah
Claudine vs the stalker
Claudine vs the poet
Claudine vs Elodie
Claudine vs Emma
Claudine vs common sense

she wins it all

Claudine vs Grace
this one I cannot call

Claudine vs Me
this would be the perfect fight
one of us should die
then we could both get on with living
our lives
properly
and without hesitation

Without hesitation - now there's a strange and distant notion
so much time of the day
devoted to their smiles
the office whispers to my face
"she's keen"
"he's keen"
another week
another drink
another smiling face

but when I leave
their smiles evaporate
I am left with the dull and numbing pain
of you, my burden,
which I barely lose
beneath their love and laughter

nothing adds up to you
but I am still surprised to be aching like this
I spend all my time on them
and always come away with you

what really hurts
is that you will not even do me the indignity
of rejecting me
of saying no
I needed that
I needed you sharper
but you are what you are,
you don't have it in you

I feel trapped
no matter who I catch
when I close my eyes
my thoughts return to you
and when I wake up
no matter where I wake
my instinct is to mourn for you

and you are still here
the unspoken overwhelming presence in the room
I mention you
I mention you all the time
it is everybody else,
and you,
remaining silent

if you love me honey
and some say you do
if you love me
please be cruel
I need you to get off my back
leave me alone
otherwise I am never going to
mean it again
when I touch their lips

"We don't go out so much, not anymore. Not since Claudine left. She used to want to go out, I think she liked him. She always wanted to go out with him."


I drink again tonight
raising a full and devastating glass
"here's to permanence"

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

these words
I here do burn
in to my chest

FIGHT ME

we wrestled until the early hours of the morning
at first light
you touched my hip
but it was my heart that dislocated

limping on
following the sound of Rachel, weeping in the desert,
past the shadow of stone cold Niobe,
I cried "Fight me"

these are words I already heard
before I spoke them
I was watching shooting stars by a dying fire
at the foot of a Welsh mountain
a beautiful woman by the name of Rachel
sat beside me
singing a hymn to heaven

I told her
"Those shooting stars,
they are nothing more than meteorites"

I tried to bring her heavenly wonder crashing back down to earth
but her eyes were full of stars
she was in love with God

FIGHT ME

four years later her daughter died
she still looks to the heavens
but she no longer sings

When I look into some women's eyes
if I get the chance
if I get the time and space,
the right night and the right drinks and the right light
and the right place,
I use my eyes to say
"Fight me"
and I tempt them into struggle

When I look into the mirror
there is only reflected light
I am not really looking into my own eyes
and yet I begin a very real fight
one on one
man versus woman
for I play both

When I look into the mirror
I am bored

To Claudine I said

Fight me
I dropped the stalker
picked up the Indian lover
who came trembling naked to me
she said baby be gentle
I'm not fucking mental
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

poetry is so much better drunk
skunk
monk.

of course
here's how it plays

Tanya I love you
I don't care for the others
16 women
none of them touched me
and for each of their kisses
I wished they were yours
I am bigger than power
I am your applause

no matter how shallow or wasted you'll be
I will be a frame for your frame
I am hungry and dangerous
a snake in the grass
but I love you
and Heaven loves too

honey,
I still ache for you


I bruised my elbow opening the door
it bled and Elodie made a bandage
each touch of her fingers was soft and full love
this is love,
I thought,
this is love

but not your love
Tanya,
I'm not drunk

I am hungry


I am so sorry

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

i have sarah eager
and grace comes soon
it's too easy to play the injured soldier
i haven't the heart
the truth is,
the truth...
i only want you
still

only you

i do expect to feel the sharp cut
of your unlove
in the fall out from last night
i do expect
but i look forward to it
i look forward to feeling something

when is it going to come?
when are you going to crush me?
sometimes I fear you won't
i couldn't bear it

you put me off such pretty faces
you soured my tongue
you made me hungry for something
I cannot taste
but the memory
the dream of it is always in my head
you made me long for you night after night
day after day
writing shit words and an anthem for you
you made me drink hard
you made me lose my edge
you helped me find it again
you helped me smile
you made my heart hurt
you made it burn
you brought me back from humdrum love
to power and violence
you struck me down and raised me up
I learnt to fuck because I wanted you so bad
you broke me,
it was just what I needed
so now I'm begging for it
finish me off
kill it
end this dance
i am ready to be disconnected

you're so beautiful
i still give you everything

Monday, May 28, 2007

the publisher stalks
i stay away from the usual haunts
the new girl shows
she's hungry
the ex is concerned
"my thoughts are with your family"
and grace is still a mystery
we talk at 2 in the morning
as I stumble home in the rain
from another night of drinking
Claudine's close friend is hoping
but I never make the call
and worst of all
I send Claudine a text by accident
meant for a friend
it said
"No, I'm trying to stay away from her"
among other things
sometimes it's hard to keep a track
of the mistakes I've made
and the mistakes I intend to make

write it down
before you forget

Saturday, May 26, 2007

what am i to say
to that
the grey wind
the grey sea spray
the strong wind and the grey concrete of the promenade
Aberystwyth
rolling rolling sea
i cant imagine what it feels like to drown
i cant imagine you have the power
im so naive and young right now
teach me a lesson teach me a lesson
he sat and wept like a pretty boy
in the hurricane winds
on a bench of the promenade
the good old nineties
when songwriters could be born
and born again
without the touch of flesh
that now makes him run and run
and run

what can I say to that?

Miriam was crying
i'll cut myself she says

then cut yourself

god I never said that
I wrapped her arms in linen
kissed her wet forehead
said
"oh no, oh no, you don't need to do this,
you don't"
she bore it all out sweetly
took herself to the United Nations
learnt to interpret the diplomats and bureaucrats
i see her a lot in my sleep
bleeding by the promenade

the greatest moment of our lives
when the hurricane wind threw that wave so high
right over the barrier
right over the town
right over our young bodies
shivering on that bench
it was a baptism of the murderous sea
i became hungry for flesh immediately

I remember making love to you
on the floor of that flat
the lights of passing cars
moving like searchlights against the wall
shining through slits of the venetian blind
Kathy's Song playing as we were playing
I remember thinking
I hope I remember this in exactly the way it's happening
because I knew
it's never real when it's happening

that's why we fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck
and love and love and love and love and love
because we always forget

back on the promenade
i sat drenched
clenched fists
praying this one last prayer
"Dear God I Cannot be your Christian
you haven't made me a new man
you haven't lifted the weight from my shoulders
I still see heaven everyday in so many ways
but I cannot taste it
I am still in the same chains
still in the same pain
still born"

there just wasn't an answer,
was there?

later Beth cut her wrists too
but everyone said she was ill
because she was a Christian

I never thought she was ill
she was miserable
she used to ask me to play the saddest songs
I'd play Famous Blue Raincoat
and Before the Dawn Chorus
so that she could cry
her brother said it helped

If I was there now I would fuck her
I think that would have helped
I wonder, Grace,
if maybe you could be enough
to help me forget about her
I think perhaps you could
but first
I need to have you naked
I need to know you
give me a map of your body
I will take care of the soul
let us try this for the hell of it
let us try this
tomorrow
she has started
one cube of ice in her right hand
places it upon his right shoulder blade
pushes hard into skin
and drags down
water runs down his spine
ice melts
she starts again
one cube of ice in her right hand
places it upon his left shoulder blade
pushes in and drags down
water trickles down
her cheeks
falls to the stone floor
pores rise upon his skin
he becomes cold
another ritual
another young heart
torn
I am willing the thunder
the sky is grey
the rain falls steadily
I am willing the thunder
it's all turning
back into my hands

I told him my powers had returned
I was not wrong

the guitar fell away
to be replaced by something real
something I had not held since I was sixteen

it is not enough to feel pain
I have grieved for the dead and dying
it left me paralysed
instead,
it is in hunger and yearning
in aching and longing
that electricity flows back into the veins
spread out now in a flash
across the straining sky
so soon there will be thunder

the wood pigeon flies away
there is a creak from the floors above
the girl comes calling
I pour out another cup
the thunder is coming
it is now just a matter of will
there is movement in the branches
Rachel, my song of the Hebrew desert,
I am being rebuilt
after things came off the rails
clearly it was decided today
that I would be an effortless ladies man again

Over to the desk she comes
leans over
lets her breasts reveal pressed upon the frame
"Entertain me"
she says
in that sweet fucking tone
we fuck with words first
but the agreement is now made

then a message on my phone comes
from the one time lover who hunts me still
"come for a drink with me honey,
I want your company"

No,
no,
no.

And then a message from Grace to say
call me please we need to meet
she no longer tries to hide her plans
we are going to be sparring

and then a message from the friend of Claudine
it says "This is my number, call me"
she wants to dance
she wants to kiss again

No,
no,
no.

And then I leave the office
and my newest Indian love
to drink in the bars of Shoreditch
and meet the woman I used to fuck
she is still so very pretty,
my ex, my nearly wife,
she is still so very pretty
and still she doesn't realise.

And I realise now too
I have surrounded myself with women
women everywhere
where I work
where I live
to whom I speak
for whom I long
Only women,
why did this happen?

"Sorry to hear your Aunt is dying"
she says
sorry just isn't
the word

I'm a ladies man again
but I'm going to pick a winner
for the long run

Thursday, May 24, 2007

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welcome to the 9-5 disco